01
A Match Made in Statutory Heaven
While out celebrating my birthday with a few friends at Boston Beer Works, my phone buzzes in my pocket, signaling the arrival of a new email. Surprisingly, its not another birthday wish posted to my Facebook wall, but rather a message sent via match.com (my year-long subscription to which expires July 2nd). It's always with both excitement and dread that I face down a note from match, a sick sort of glee upon finding something in my Inbox which--if I buy into the hype--could contain first contact with my soulmate, but--if I listen to my experience--really will be from another "good on paper" guy that won't lead anywhere.
I'm a bit startled to find that it's neither. The message begins, "I'm not sure if you remember me, but I'm the guy that met you when you were still in high school in Rutland!! ;)"
Indeed, I remember him. Scott. I met this now 36-year-old gentleman some eleven years earlier, when I was just 16. He's eight years older than me now, so that made him 24 back then. He was my first real, consentual sexual experience with another man-well, as concentual as you get when you're talking about fooling around with a high schooler.
I'm the guy that met you when you were still in high school in Rutland
Read MorePosted on 07/ 1/08 at 5:47 PM | Comments (0)
Tagged: 90s-Something , Coming Out
24
Great Expectations
90s-Something (1998, Part 2)
« Previous | 90s-Something
When Semele found out that her lover, the one who had found her out of the multitude, was really Zeus -- not just a god, but the king of the gods, and not just the king of the gods, but the married king of the gods -- in disguise as a mortal... well, she freaked out. She was unknowingly having an affair with a god. But now she knew. What the hell was she supposed to do?
He loved her, he said. A god loved her. And though she knew better, she still insisted that her great and glorious boyfriend prove that love by appearing as a god before her, and giving her his embrace. Knowing that he was a god, and knowing that he belonged to Hera, Semele made her fatal request.
But no mere mortal can survive that knowledge. No mere mortal can withstand the sight of the mighty Zeus.
She made love to her married, godly boyfriend, knowing full well who and what he was.
And for that she was consumed. For that she burned.
Read MorePosted on 01/24/07 at 9:00 AM | Comments (3)
Tagged: 90s-Something , Writing
09
What You Wish For
90s-Something (1998, Part 1)
« Previous | 90s-Something | Next »
"Jay, there's something that I've wanted to tell you for a while, and I figure that now it as good a time as any."
I stare straight ahead, at him, at Jay. My boyfriend. The camera, of my mind's eye, focuses just on me. I look serious. Terrified. And I continue to recite my practiced monologue:
"It's not an earth-shattering thing, really, and you might get a good laugh out of it. It's one of those things I've always felt you needed to know, but when I think about it, I realize that it's something that you don't need to know, something you're probably better off not knowing, but I'm going to tell you anyway, because its something that I need to do."
Following my own stage directions in the script, at that moment I sigh deeply. I pause, close my eyes, and draw a deep breath. I do not exhale. Not for many long seconds. And then: "Enough sounding neurotic. Now it's time to sound crazy."
I open my eyes, ready to face the man of my dreams.
"Jay, I wished for you."
Read MorePosted on 01/ 9/06 at 9:02 AM | Comments (9)
Tagged: 90s-Something
13
Lucky
90s-Something (1997, Part 10)
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I'm on a roll
This time
I feel my luck could change...
11AM. Day after Christmas.
I throw some clothes on and brave the post-holiday madness at the mall. I am a man on a mission: to I buy Ben Fold Five's "Whatever & Ever Amen" and Radiohead's "OK Computer." I've wanted these albums for a solid month and, finally, I have them.
This is the highlight of the whole holiday for me. It's been a long, hard December and a lonely Christmas.
Life is well and fine, but I'm just not satisfied. I try to recognize how far I've come, how much better my life is now than when the year began, but I can't help but be selfish, to want more.
Read MorePosted on 07/13/05 at 3:24 PM | Comments (8)
Tagged: 90s-Something
22
The Flame
90s-Something (1997, Part 9)
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November sets in.
November in Vermont is when everything dies.
I hate November.
I am numb and I am also hating myself. I'm slightly devastated by my choice between Adam and Parker. Slightly? Even my word choice is poor.
I am a fool and I am not too proud to admit my mistake. And so I dial. There's nothing else to do.
"Hello?" he answers.
"Adam?" I rush. "Adam, please don't hang --"
Like the ten or so times in the days before, he does. He hangs up on me. He has every right, I know this, but I can't bring myself to stop. The days are OK. I can distract myself with school, with friends. But the nights... the nights are when I miss his voice. The nights are when I need to call.
It gets lonely at night. In November. In Vermont. At seventeen.
Posted on 06/22/05 at 7:01 PM | Comments (10)
Tagged: 90s-Something
01
Backlash
90s-Something (1997, Part 8)
« Previous | 90s-Something | Next »
PERHAPS IF YOU READ THE ENCLOSED PAMPHLET -- YOU MAY BE ENLIGHTENED AS TO HOW HARMFUL AND DIRTY THE GAY LIFESTYLE REALLY IS.
MY GOD HELP YOU OVERCOME.
I am overcome -- by a sense of horrible dread. I receive this letter at school from "A CONCERNED PARENT" and I'm shocked by the random-note quality of it. It's scrawled, all in caps, in a shaky, ominous handwriting, all anonymous, all very Unibomber-ish. In the envelope is a copy of my editorial "A Silent Injustice," as reprinted in The Rutland Herald, sloppily ripped out, looking like something that might be part of a voodoo ritual or some kind of stalker shrine.
The "enclosed pamphlet" -- a "Coral Ridge Ministries Special Report," screaming such headlines as "Liberal Media Quashes Truth About Radical Homosexual Agenda" and "Sex With Children? Homosexuals Say Yes!", among other hateful and outrageous claims -- strikes me just so. I know it's hate. I know it's not true. But still, I am unsettled. I feel unsafe. I am actually scared by it.
My bubble has been burst. I am knocked down.
Read MorePosted on 06/ 1/05 at 11:44 AM | Comments (4)
Tagged: 90s-Something
29
Karma Police
90s-Something (1997, Part 7)
« Previous | 90s-Something | Next »
A week after the petition hits, Kristen and I are called into the principal's office. There, we are greeted by a reporter from the local newspaper, The Rutland Herald. He's gotten wind of our work and wants to interview us. With a little coaxing, we agree.
A day or two later, the story (below) hits the paper -- on the front page. The story is also picked up by the Associated Press. It's reprinted in local papers across the nation, appears most notably as blurbs in both USA Today and The Advocate, and even read on one of the national network's evening news programs. Within a week, "A Silent Injustice," my editorial on homophobia from the school paper, is also reprinted in the Herald.
Pretty much overnight, Kristen and I have become gay activists with a big, bright spotlight shining down upon us. Before we know it, we're getting fan letters and emails, congratulating phone calls, and even offers for dates. Everybody at school suddenly knows who I am -- and Gay Vermont knows both our names.
Baby, I'm a star.
Read MorePosted on 05/29/05 at 6:34 PM | Comments (2)
Tagged: 90s-Something
18
Upstart
90s-Something (1997, Part 6)
« Previous | 90s-Something | Next »
Thursday, September 25, 1997Read More
Dear Mr. Wolk and Rutland High School faculty,
If the word "nigger" was used against African-American students at Rutland High School, there would be repercussions. There would possibly be fights or even protests and the Rutland City Public Schools would get a very bad reputation. You would definitely act though, probably before the harassment went too far. You would crack down on the offenders until the offenders stopped.
Luckily, we don't have to worry about that. The word "nigger" isn't shouted throughout the halls. Verbal abuse and discrimination isn't an issue at Rutland High School, right? It's a place free of harassment and oppression. It's a place where everyone is free to be themselves. It's a place where no one is excluded or tormented because of who they are or what they are perceived to be. Right?
Wrong. One group of people in the school have been continuously persecuted and harassed while you have practically sat back and watched. It remains a silent problem because students are afraid to speak up and many faculty members turn a deaf ear to it. The group in question is gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender.
Homophobia runs rampant at Rutland High School. The word "faggot" is shouted in the halls everyday and yet there are no repercussions. "Dyke," "queer," and other such words and remarks, said in a derogatory manner, are used on a regular basis by students, all too often in the presence of faculty members who do nothing to stop it. An environment like our schools, where gay-bashing and other such harassment is permitted to continue, allows such hate and oppression to thrive. Because of this homophobic environment, few people have complained to you. Little, if anything, has been done in attempt to end this problem.
This atmosphere has made gay students afraid to complain because they are fearful of what will happen to them. Gay supporters are also afraid to say anything because of an unwritten law which says that if you are pro-gay then you are gay yourself. And in an environment like Rutland High School, that means you will be harassed. Those who have been brave enough to seek help have not found it. The few of those who have turned to faculty members have been ignored.
We are entering this complaint to break the silence. We are entering this complaint on behalf of all those who are oppressed and the people who will follow them. We are tired of watching our friends get harassed. We are tired of seeing people depressed because they have no one to turn to. We are tired of students going to Rutland High School in fear and we want an end to it. We are fed up with watching our school deteriorate year after year because this homophobia is allowed to continue.
There is a severe need for action. This problem has been ignored for far too long and demands immediate attention by the faculty and students of Rutland High School. We are willing to have a group of students meet with faculty members to discuss possible actions that can be taken. Such a meeting should take place as soon as possible. Please speak to our contact persons Patrick Raymond and Kristen Nugent to discuss this further.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Patrick Raymond & Kristen Nugent
Posted on 05/18/05 at 12:40 PM | Comments (8)
Tagged: 90s-Something
11
Surfacing
90s-Something (1997, Part 5)
As my senior year begins, I am a secret agent at Rutland High School. A double agent.
Everyone thinks I'm the same sad, lonely boy that I was the year before. Sure, this year I'm editor-in-chief of the school paper. I'm suddenly more outgoing. I seem happier. I'm making more friends. I'm doing better in school.
But they have no idea that I'm a gay guy on the verge of coming out. That I'm co-facilitating a group for the gay youth of Rutland. That having secret meetings with Kristen, my partner-in-crime. That we are plotting to change our school forever.
Our plan is coming to fruition. We are working behind the scenes, gathering support quietly, waiting... We are nearly ready to make our first moves.
Read MorePosted on 05/11/05 at 1:55 PM | Comments (9)
Tagged: 90s-Something
04
Dancing in the Shadows
90s-Something (1997, Part 4)
« Continued from '97, Part Three
To call my emergence from the closet a "flying leap" is an understatement. The whole thing happens rapidly and unexpectedly.
My future, according to my former high school mentor, is in politics. My ambition -- and, in his opinion, destiny -- is to change the world.
The civil rights movement of the 1960's has always fascinated me. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is one of my biggest heroes. Inside of me burns a passion, inspired by great men like Dr. King, a passion for equality, for harmony, for everyone.
I have always believed that everyone deserves equal rights and treatment, but one cause, one very close to me, frightens me very deeply: the fight for equal rights for homosexuals.
I do not speak up because of my own fears and insecurities. I decide to wait. When I get out of high school, when I get out of college, when I have money and a steady job -- then I will speak my mind.
That strategy works for a while.
Like Dr. King, I too have a dream. However, it is a very different one. Mine is a nightmare, one that has haunted my sleep since an incident occurred in 9th grade, an incident that shattered my life and shapes the man I will become.
The nightmare reminds me of horrors that occurred in that locker room years before. It replays those events in my mind's eye, showing me the very depths of human nature, the extremes to which fear and insecurity can push a person.
The nightmare also reminds me of being pushed to the limit myself, of being at the bottom and working my way back up. A faint scar over my left eye, a constant reminder of that pain, becomes a symbol of my survival more than a testament of my suffering.
With that realization, I begin to see things differently. I am no longer a victim. I take charge of my life, of my sleep.
I begin to forge a new dream.
Read MorePosted on 05/ 4/05 at 4:31 PM | Comments (10)
Tagged: 90s-Something
27
The Pride Issue
90s-Something (1997, Part 3)
« Continued from '97, Part Two
Sunshine. Lollypops. Lemonade.
Well, not exactly. Things aren't paradise for me -- but they are better. But when you live through the kind of winter I did, that's not hard to achieve.
Let's see.
Fooled around with friend from school? Check.
Been dumped brutally by said friend on Valentine's Day? Check.
Been outed to mother by email? Check.
Cheated on high school term paper? Got caught? Check. Check.
Finally begun dealing with a buried trauma? Check.
And that's just the start of 1997.
Read MorePosted on 04/27/05 at 4:48 PM | Comments (9)
Tagged: 90s-Something
20
Stuck in a Moment
90s-Something (1997, Part 2)
« Continued from '97, Part One
I am on the edge of something. I don't know what it is, but I sense it's not good. Something's coming, and my life is never going to be the same.
I am heart-broken and utterly miserable. Home is uncomfortable and school is a nightmare. I'm not talking to my mother and I'm awaiting a decision from the principal regarding my academic dishonesty. My future is ruined. My life is over.
I just don't want to do it anymore.
Read MorePosted on 04/20/05 at 12:01 AM | Comments (5)
Tagged: 90s-Something
06
The Winter Here
90s-Something (1997, Part 1)
« Continued from '96, Part Two
I am leaning over into the driver's seat, looking at his pale, hairless belly as it falls out of the bottom of his shirt. I am staring down his meaty uncut cock, his pulled-down boxers nestled just below his smooth balls. This is Brandon's penis.
Parked on the side of an empty snowy road in rural Vermont, in his red hot Saturn, I was about to give my first blowjob. Read More
Posted on 04/ 6/05 at 8:00 AM | Comments (7)
Tagged: 90s-Something
30
So Much to Say
90s-Something (1996, Part 2)
<< Continued from '96, Part One
I have said good-bye to Adam and my life in New Hampshire. I face a new beginning in Rutland, the Vermont town I grew up in. And all I can do is cry. I spend the next days in my room, listening to Sarah McLachlan, sobbing... Adam is gone and I suddenly realize my true feelings for him. I feel completely empty. But we don't call or write. I don't speak to him again in 1996.
Read MorePosted on 03/30/05 at 12:17 AM | Comments (3)
Tagged: 90s-Something
23
Separate Pieces
90s-Something (1996, Part 1)
With a limp, I face the new year. After the Homecoming Dance, I keep a low profile, hiding out from Rachel (the girl who rejected me), Adam (the boy I rejected), and most of all, myself. As 1996 begins, I really begin to emerge from my self-imposed exile -- being more social, going to basketball games, and other unimportant high school activities.
Read MorePosted on 03/23/05 at 1:13 PM | Comments (12)
Tagged: 90s-Something
17
A Little Too Ironic
90s-Something (1995, Part 3)
« Previous (1995, Part 2: Domestic Bliss)
The summer ends. And the stalemate returns. Adam and I go from best friends, practically living together sans parents -- to hardly knowing how to relate to each other. We're still friendly and we still hang out -- but the perfection of the summer is missing. We both make new friends in our own grades (I'm now a sophomore, Adam's a junior) and just ... drift.
Read MorePosted on 03/17/05 at 12:31 PM | Comments (5)
Tagged: 90s-Something
09
Domestic Bliss
90s-Something (1995, Part 2)
My parents are gone. Adam spends the night. We swim, watch movies, go through yearbooks, talk. We stay up until 4AM. He falls asleep first, on the floor beside my twin bed, and I think, "This is it. I'm happy." The next day, after his parents pick him up and we vow to do this again soon, I am left alone in my house and I feel... empty. Really, inexplicably, sad. I want him back in my house, right that instant, and I never want him to leave.
TLC. "Waterfalls." Don't go chasing them! Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to! Please!
Friends season one finale! Rachel finds out! Madonna's "Take a Bow" plays! Ross has an Asian girlfriend! So good!
Adam spends the night again within the week, and soon we become inseparable. My family spends most of the summer away and Adam practically moves in. We go to the grocery store together. We go out to eat or go to the movies, taking turns picking up the tab. He spends literally half the nights in any given week at my house -- I know because I mark every night he does on my Batman Forever calendar with an 'A'. We watch Letterman or pre-Daily Show John Stewart before bed, taking turns sleeping on the floor or in my bed. We talk about the girls we like as we doze off next to each other.
Speaking of Batman Forever, I have two different dates with two different girls -- the aforementioned Lisa and good-friend-turned-crush-because-of-her-name Rachel -- to see the third Bat-flick. Both fall through, and I end up going with Mike F, Adam's baseball playing friend, behind Adam's back. He's a sophomore with a car. We share popcorn and our bare legs (it's summer -- we wear shorts) brush against each other. Mike invites me to sleep over. Though I'm told I'm sleeping on the couch downstairs, I end up falling asleep in his bed. The next morning, Mike comments, "You are the first guy to sleep in here with me. That wasn't bad." Later in the summer, he confesses that he used to "mess around" with my neighbor, an older boy who's graduated already. I soon stop hanging out with Mike.
So... *ahem* 90s nostalgia? How about that Batman Forever soundtrack? It has all those great tunes, like U2's "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" and, especially, Seal's "Kiss from a Rose." Seal totally rocks! Also? I have a poster of hottie Nicole Kidman (right) from the film up on my wall.
Adam and I spend many days out by the pool. I get used to the sight of him shirtless. We skinny-dip together twice, at night, just the two of us. In the mornings after he sleeps over, I am always the first one to shower and, often, Adam walks into the bathroom to piss before I am done. It's usually right after I shut off the water, right as I'm stepping out of the tub, naked, reaching for a towel. He always smiles, jokes, and pees, while I stumble for a towel and, embarrassed, wait for him to leave.
Welcome! Al Gore invents The Internet. My first tentative log-ons to America Online yield great pleasure. And by pleasure, I mean long download times and little pay off. We're talking pictures of TV's Lois & Clark here, people. I don't discover net-porn until '96.
Adam orders a (straight) porn flick on pay-per-view. On my parents' cable account.
I am mortified for a moment, but he puts me at ease. He sits next to me on my couch, a little too close, and we suffer through the girl-on-girl opening scene. "That's gross," he says. When a man comes on screen -- naked, hard, muscular -- he is fascinated.
"This is hot," he says, watching him get serviced.
I just sit there, silent, still, aroused beyond belief.
"This is really hot," he repeats. He looks at me. I don't react. I try to stare straight ahead, at the movie, but I keep looking at him. And he keeps looking at me.
"Wow," he grins.
"Yeah."
"This is getting me –"
"Yeah."
We just look at each other, the soft sounds of moaning coming from the TV.
"We should –" he says.
"Yeah."
Within two minutes, he's on the phone with pay-per-view customer service. "We ordered Junior, and it's not playing," he tells her.
Clever.
As the summer ends, MTV starts playing this girl named Alanis late at night, and this really angry song about going down on a guy in a theater. I go buy her album as soon as it's in stores and start singing along to songs about irony and hands in pockets long before anybody else hears of her.
During this summer, Adam and I often lie outside together at night, on my pool deck, watch the stars, one of his favorite things to do. On the final night of our summer together, he insists that we spend the night out there together. And so it is. We wait for sleep, side by side, very close, lamenting the return to status quo coming with sunrise -- my family's return, the start of school.
As sleep begins to weigh down my eyelids, Adam turns to me. He gets very close, looks right in my eyes. "This is the best summer I ever had," he whispers.
I want to cry. I realize that it will be over, this perfect thing, in a few hours. Though neither of us will admit it, we both know that the school stalemate between us will return with the first bell of school.
"Yeah. The best," is all I say, all I can say, as he stares at me.
It doesn't end in a kiss.
● ● ●
1995 is still not over! The year's teen angst concludes in Part Three!
How does being a sophomore -- a wise fool -- suit our hero? Will Crash admit his feelings? Will he kiss Adam? What about the second season of Friends? Where does the nickname Crash come from, anyway? Tune in next week to find out -- same Bat time, same Bat blog.
See also: 1990 | 1991 | 1992 | 1993 | 1994 | 1995, Part One
Posted on 03/ 9/05 at 9:02 AM | Comments (2)Tagged: 90s-Something
02
Elsewhere
90s-Something (1995, Part 1)
I've been dreading writing about '95 since I started this series, as it's really the year that I decided, "Hey, my life is boring. Let's pretend I'm on 90210!" Of course, I never said or thought those words -- but in retrospect, the drama starts here, ladies and gentlemen! In this year, I become a borderline psychotically oblivious closet case with an unhealthy obsession with a new kid -- all the while crushing on girls, going to basketball games, and never, ever realizing that I might be slightly abnormal. (Don't worry, ten years later, I'm better now -- or am I?)
And this is just part one! It's a year so crazy it had to be split in two! So enjoy this blended drink of teen angst and 90s nostalgia -- it always goes down smooth.
I begin the second half of my Freshman year of high school obliviously in love with new kid Adam (see '94). After interviewing him for Civics class, I give him the following letter (sadly, this is verbatim) in January:
Over the past few weeks, since the interview, I've been wondering: are we friends, are we classmates, are we acquaintances, or are you just my Civics project?Yes, I actually write and send that to another guy in high school. And to think, I will not realize that there is anything un-heterosexual about my behavior or this relationship until I am 17. Read MoreWhatever you think of me, the next step in our friendship is up to you. I can understand what its like to be the 'new kid,' I've been through it. I know what it's like to be alone. I want you to know that you don't have to be. The offer of my friendship is always there.
I feel a certain kinship with you, but I also feel a sort of discomfort, because I don't know what you think of me.
Posted on 03/ 2/05 at 7:28 AM | Comments (5)
Tagged: 90s-Something
My Songs of '94:
comic eXpressions, a comic-and-collectable store, opens. It is owned by my borderline-white-trash family (see pic). I picked out the name and designed the logo at 12. And provided lots of illegal child labor, too. But at least I got free comics.
Every morning, I wake up at 5:30AM to enjoy some peace and quiet (remember: I live in a house with a 3yo and a 1yo) before school. My ritual includes cereal and watching CNN Headline News and E!'s Talk Soup, then hosted by Greg Kinnear. Then I walk to the bus stop at 7:30.
My Songs of the Year: