twenty-something

Just told the fragmented, twenty-minute version of my coming out story to my co-workers today as part of a "life map" exercise in a a diversity staff meeting. I haven't told my story as an over-arching narrative in ages, and I hadn't really even thought about it until a few weeks ago. It was kind of crazy. I shared more personal stuff than I would've expected and realized I'm not a very good oral storyteller. I went on longer than the two people before me, and then I didn't leave enough room for anybody else to go after me. And I indirectly made somebody cry.

It felt good. Not the crying, but the sharing. I guess maybe I'm not so "post" gay / "post" coming out stories as I thought...

One of the straight white guys in the office told me I should write a book.

Last event of the semester last night. Karaoke. And a bad snowstorm.

The kids decided we should do a group sing. So I grudgingly aggreed. The six survivors and I took to the mic, and I found the song they chose was purposefully and accurately fitting.

I Will Survive.

Yes, we all will.

I've just faced down my biggest challenge in my job yet, and I can say with some certainty that I have survived, and I have passed the test. I wish I could celebrate, but it's not really a victory. It's just... over.

I can't, of course, talk any specifics, but I will say that someone that I was once close to, someone whom I care about, has well and truly disappointed and betrayed me with a brutality, and with a regularity, that is usually only reserved for boyfriends. Not employees. He/she has been "going through some stuff" which seems to be the scapegoat for all this, but in hindsight, these problems have been present going back to practically Day One. It's been an "abusive relationship" for too long, and should've ended long ago.

I can't really complain, because I'm not the one "going through some stuff." But he/she seems to have no perspective on how his/her actions affect others. Depression aside, he/she has been poisioning my work for months. And the last two weeks, dealing with the fallout from all of this -- For me, it has been horrible and draining and harrowing. I feel angry, guilty, sad, relieved, hopefully... happy that it seems to be over for me.

I'm sick of this melodrama. The semester is almost done, and, god, do I need a break.