twenty-something

Today was the first First Day of School that I was not present for at the University of Vermont since 1999. I have been on campus, either as student or staff, for the past six openings. That's either very impressive or pretty pathetic -- I'll let you decide which.

Thinking about the occasion from my East Village apartment today, I got nostalgic and a little sad. I wasn't there. Opening happened without me. The kiddies are reuniting and I'm not there to watch. My old co-workers are all stressed out and commiserating -- and I'm not there to join in.

Then I got to thinking about all the people that aren't there, either. Tom. Dan. Keith. Kelly. Natalie. Matt... All my friends who have moved on, too. Most of the people I cared for in my six and a half years in Burlington -- save for many co-workers and a big handful of students -- are gone. Have been for a while. And I was one of the last holdouts. And though I'm hit by some sadness when thinking of not being there, I think I'd be much more depressed if I'd stayed, facing another First Day of School without so many of the people who made UVM my home for so many years.

And then it hit me, finally -- I've really graduated. I've moved on. It's time to leave UVM firmly and positively planted in my past.

Future? Here I come.

Another proud day to be an alum. WCAX reports:

Four officers of a University of Vermont fraternity have become the first to be charged with violating Vermont's new hazing law. UVM police say the Phi Gamma Delta Fraternity hazed pledges by making them dress up as gay cowboys for a party.

Monday, University police released a report detailing the findings of a month-long investigation that confirmed the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity-- also known as FIJI-- hosted a pledge party that featured gay-bashing and underage drinking.

"We issued tickets for hazing," explained UVM Police Chief Gary Margolis.

"It's a civil violation of the state of Vermont, a $1,000 fine. Those were issued to the four officers of the board of FIJI," he added.

Margolis says the investigation confirmed rumors of hazing and underage drinking at a pledge party in March at the fraternity. The Chittenden County State's Attorney declined to file criminal charges for underage drinking for a lack of evidence. But Margolis says it was his call to issue the hazing tickets, and he did so, because he believes the fraternity clearly violated Vermont's new hazing statute. (Story continues at WCAX.com)

Why am I leaving Vermont? What were my cryptic "personal and political reasons"? Well, here's the main one -- as written, below, in a wordy piece for UVM's LGBTQA Community Newsletter, which was adapted from an earlier blog post -- the American Red Cross, and their discriminatory presence on the UVM campus. I've found myself becoming more and more of an activist at UVM in recent months, but ultimately the fight has been too much for me. I need to take care of myself, and I need to go.

But I do hope that I leave behind an impact. People say that I will. Today I received two UVM leadership awards for my work on this issue. Awards mean nothing, ultimately, but I am hopeful that I have affected real change at this institution. Whether I'm here or not, the fight will go on.

Here's the piece, "Bleeding Green-and-Gold":

As of June 30th, I will no longer be an employee of the University of Vermont, an institution that has been my home for six and a half years, as a student and then as a staff member. I recently made the difficult decision to leave a great job in an excellent department, the catalyst being discrimination I face on this campus as a gay man, discrimination that is allowed and publicly supported by UVM's current administration.

Sexual orientation is a protected class at UVM, according to our non-discrimination policy, and has been since March 1987. In 1992, a Vermont state law was passed also protecting sexual orientation. Further, the core values of the University, "Our Common Ground" -- values I believe in very deeply -- pledge a commitment to fight against "oppression, degradation, and harassment" -- "injustice" -- of all kinds.

However, the University of Vermont currently allows the American Red Cross to hold and aggressively promote blood drives on campus. The Red Cross, in accordance with federal Food & Drug Administration guidelines, currently bars any "male who has had sexual contact with another male, even once, since 1977" from giving blood for life. In other words, any gay or bisexual UVM student, faculty, or staff member is not allowed to donate, and therefore not allowed the choice to participate in an activity that is taking place on campus. UVM publicly supports this discrimination against gay and bisexual men, according to statements by its administration printed in the Burlington Free Press and other media.

It's odd to be a "lame duck" now. I'm here for another six weeks or so, but a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders as the semester ends. As Yelli says, Saturday was my "last day of days"... The end is here.

UVM suspends fraternity during hazing investigation - Boston.com

No comment...

I quit my job today.

While it still doesn't quite seem real, and while it wasn't easy, it certainly seems right.

As of June 30th -- or perhaps sooner -- I will no longer be an employee of the University of Vermont, an institution that has been my home for six and a half years, as a student and then as a staff member. I resigned of my own free will, not due to blogging or other controversy. My reasons for leaving now are both personal and political, and while I may reveal them here at a later date, for now those reasons will remain my own.

This news also means that I'll be leaving my home state of Vermont. For my friends and longtime readers of this blog, this news should hardly come as a shock. I've had a conflicted relationship with Burlington for years. I've longed for something new, different, more urban. I haven't been able to thrive as a gay man or a twenty-something at UVM or in Vermont for some time. In fact, I've been downright unhappy with many aspects of my life, particularly in the past year. It was time for a change.

So it would appear that, after years of thinking, longing, and whining, I've finally taken action. My resignation letter has been handed in.

At long last I am taking the next step. I am moving to Boston this spring or summer. No turning back now.

I know that leaving won't solve all my problems. In fact, it won't solve any, really, and will probably cause more. I'm a little scared to leave a good job and a decent life -- comfort -- for who knows what, but I'm more excited. After six years at UVM, and over twenty in Vermont, it's time to go.

I was born here -- literally on the UVM campus, in what is now known as the Fletcher Allen Medical Center. I like to think that I began my life here twice -- first as a ruddy, redheaded newborn in 1980, and again as a transfer student in 2000. I think I learned more in the past six and a half years than in the nineteen before them, not necessarily from my studies, but from life. There have been great victories and crushing defeats, highs and lows... This place made me the man I am today.

I'm leaving now because I can still say that I love this place. I'll leave behind friends and family, a good job in an excellent department, and a city that feels like a part of me. I'll leave behind a life and many, many memories. In Burlington and UVM, I found, for the first time since I was nine years old, a place to truly call home. It's been an interesting ride -- amazing, conflicted, tumultuous. I leave now because I can still call this place home, because I know will always be able to, even as I search for a new place to belong.

Wish me luck. A new chapter -- a new direction -- for this twenty-something officially begins today.

RENTheads in the Greater Burlington Area who interested in seeing -- and possibly meeting -- Anthony Rapp, Broadway's original Mark and star of 2005's feature film version, can do so tonight at the University of Vermont.

Rapp will speak -- and sing a bit -- tonight (January 19) at 9PM in UVM's beautiful Ira Allen Chapel. Admission is free.

Rapp's new book, Without You : A Memoir of Love, Loss, and the Musical Rent, was to be released this week but has been delayed. Regardless of a lack of hardcovers to sell and sign in the lobby after the show, the Broadway star-turned-author is sure to talk about the same themes as his memoir -- with plenty of Rent talk to keep fans happy.

Rapp's appearance is a highlight of UVM's two-week long "WinterBlitz" programming to welcome back its students. Last night's packed-to-capacity free showing of the film Rent was hit on campus.

Dane, that softy, gets all mushy about what this means to him over at his official site:

The dream that I had in 7th grade is about to become a reality. I've been asked to host Saturday Night Live! December 3rd! I did this with my stand up comedy. Not a tv career or a film career. I did it because I was a good guy with great intentions. I never got caught up in anything beyond the simple idea of bettering myself at this craft that I love and respect. More than anything I am doing it because my fans are some of the sharpest, coolest comedy fans on this planet and you got behind me and never left... The things you dream can become the things you have. The things you have should always be shared. I share this with you guys because, well, you've become part of this ride. We can all enjoy this together.

I met Dane once, after having had the pleasure of booking him for a very sold-out show last year in Vermont. He was a really, really nice guy -- totally amazing on and off stage. He immediately showered praise on the poster that I'd designed for the show, so I instantly fell in love with him. The whole thing was my coolest career moment so far.

Added bonus: James Blunt, who's single "You're Beautiful" has been in iPod heavy rotation this fall, is the musical guest. (Sorry, Rick, but I louve that song.)

VACATION!

Off to New York City in the A.M. (well, late A.M.) and now need to pack. Was running around Burlington today getting ready for the trip -- laundry, errands and such, and seeing Kicking & Screaming (which was surprisingly good!) -- and now I'm fairly beat. Pack + Sleep = Good.

Not sure what the long weekend will hold, blog-wise and otherwise. If I'm not writing from the road, I'll be back on Tuesday for sure.

And lest I forget: BIG congrats to all of this year's graduates from the University of Vermont -- especially those I know and love. (PS -- I can't believe I've been out of college for two years!)

Can't seem to get my mind off of you
Back here at home there's nothin' to do
Now that I'm away
I wish I'd stayed
Tomorrow's a day of mine that you won't be in

When you looked at me I should've run
But I thought it was just for fun
I see I was wrong
And I'm not so strong
I should've known all along that time would tell

The University of Vermont men's basketball team pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the 2005 NCAA Tournament and the biggest upset in Catamount history with a 60-57 overtime win over fourth-seeded Syracuse in the first round of the tournament Friday night. [more]

Today is a big day for my alma matter. Our little ol' basketball team -- the "Hoop Cats," if you will -- takes to the court, and to the television, for a very big game. I wasn't lucky enough to get tickets, but I will be watching from the comfort of my living room.

After impressive quarterfinal and semifinal wins, the two-time defending America East Champion Vermont Catamounts (23-6) take on the second-seeded Northeastern Huskies (21-8) in the 2005 America East Championship title game. This is Vermont's third straight trip to the conference championship game, its fourth overall and the second time in as many years that it has hosted the title game at Patrick Gym. The winner earns an automatic bid to the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship. More.

(And we are, and always will be, UVM, people -- not Vermont, like Athletics pretends we are, or like they always call us on TV.)

UPDATE: UVM kicked Northeastern's ass.

The other day, on the way to work, my iPod randomly played Jesus Jones' one-hit wonder from 1991, "Right Here Right Now." Yeah, I know -- Jesus Jones. Not only do I have "Right Here Right Now" on my computer, I have it on my iPod. And my iPod thinks that I want to hear it as I walk up North Street to work in sub-zero temperatures.

But ya know what? As I get closer to my new 'Pod, as we move past our honeymoon period, I learn that it's not unlike all my relationships. There are good days (and playlists), and bad days (and songs I should just delete). And sometimes, sometimes, 'Poddy gives me not what I want, but what I need.

Strangely enough, Jesus Jones was just what I needed.

See, last week was a big week. There were milestones -- anniversaries, reunions, visits, big events -- all in the span of about 7 days. Here's the quick rundown:

On Friday, I had my first big, big event with work -- a big-ass concert that was the bane of my existence for about two months -- and a visit from my bestest best friend Danielle, for the show, and for her annual weekend Vermont visit. A few days earlier -- the 21st -- would've marked three years for me and Joe, had we not broken up sometime after year one. The same day was my Mom's 41st birthday, which means that (A) I have a young mother and (B) in nine years, she'll be 50 and I'll be 32. And a few days before that, my boyfriend returned to me after a short geographical break and, coincidentally, then celebrated our one-year anniversary in Montreal. And, last but not least, I passed one more marker last week. I have called Burlington, specifically The University of Vermont, my home for exactly four years now.

Lots going on -- past and present -- in my little life here in Vermont.

And you know what I realized, as I walked through the frozen tundra that is Burlington in January, as my 'Pod's wires stiffened and my beard became frosty, as Jesus Jones provided a soundtrack...?

Right here, right now -- there is no other place I want to be.

At 23, there are big weeks and little weeks. They go by so fast and I pass milestones -- graduations, moves, births and deaths -- along the way. I've settled into a groove, a life, here in Burlington, since graduating, moving, and returning.

I have a job that doesn't pay much. A cheap, tiny, cold apartment that gets lonely sometimes. All of my best friends are far away. But I do feel closer to many of those friends, closer than I've felt in a long time. My apartment's becoming a cozy, comfy home. My job is fun and I'm excelling at it. And my relationship continues to surprise me -- in good ways -- as time goes on.

I have a life. I know that most of this, maybe all of it, isn't forever. But it's now. And for now, it's more than good enough. Funny thing is, I'm not thinking about next semester much. Next year. The next step. I do sometimes, but it's not this constant voice in my head, like it's been almost my entire life. For the first time, I am in the moment.

And I am pretty much happy.

I know there will be changes. I know there will be grad school. I figure there'll be Boston. I know that, sooner or later, there will be conversations that decide the future. But right now there are no plans. No expectations...

Life isn't perfect, and I don't think it's supposed to be. And if being a diehard fan of Sex and the City for the past four years has taught me nothing else, it's this: "That's the key to having it all: Stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. That's true of the fall lines, and that's true of relationships."

I don't know much about fall lines (c'mon, I'm not that gay), and I may know even less about relationships, but I'm learning. At 23, I'm learning that I may not be married by 25, and I may not have kids by 30. I may not have all my friends physically in my life everyday. I may not be rich. I may not be where I thought I'd be at 23, but I think I finally get it. I wasn't where I thought I'd be at 18, at 19, 20, and so on. And I made myself miserable about it. It was only in hindsight that I realized, in almost every case, what I had in those moments. What I took for granted, what I missed, all because I didn't slow down, stop, savor...

Someday, I'll have it all -- whatever that means. There's plenty of time for the future, for the plans and the conversations, for the now or nevers. But right here, right now...

If you can be happy in a moment -- whether it be during a Gavin DeGraw concert, a cheesy 80s movie with funny cameos and a horrible soundtrack, random sing-alongs with obscure pop mp3s, or a quiet, drunken moment on an uncomfy futon in a overheated loft -- that's a start. And if you can be happy in many (maybe even most) moments, you've got something special. Something to savor. Something to believe in.

Right here, right now...

There is no other place I want to be.