twenty-something

There's something about the new Death Cab for Cutie song that I can't get enough of. At eight minutes and thirty-five seconds, "I Will Possess Your Heart" is an unlikely single -- it's length a definite turn-off, especially since Ben Gibbard's vocals don't come in until 4:35, well over half-way through the track. But like the lyrics instruct, you gotta spend some time, love, you gotta spend some time with the song. Luckily, I have a hellish commute and I added the track to my spring driving playlist, forcing me to listen and quickly fall in love.

It opens straight out of 1994, like a lost alternarock song that would've been at home on alt radio with the titans of fourteen years ago -- Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam, Live. I would've listened to and loved this early in high school and that fact surprisingly doesn't hurt the song, it makes it. Retro fits Death Cab well (and I'd much rather be reminded of '94 than '04, as the band usually evokes thoughts of the dearly departed The O.C. for me).

Danielle and I saw Josh Kelley at The Paradise here in Boston last Friday.

Though we were in the midst of the St. Paddy's Day nor'easter (which cancelled my NYC trip the following day) and Yelli's knee was in a brace, the show was fantastic. Josh was great, as were his opening acts (but where was Jennifer Paige?!).

Once upon a time, and for a long time, Sarah McLachlan's version of "Song for a Winter's Night" was my favorite non-Christmas Christmas song.

This year I've been listening to the decidedly Christmas Christmas song "River" ad nasuem. Whether it's sung by Sarah, or Aimee Mann, or the Indigo Girls, or Rachel Yamagata, or Robert Downey Jr., or Joni... it's my holiday jam, yo.

But my new non-Christmas Christmas song award goes to John Mayer and "St. Patrick's Day," a tune from his first album, Room for Squares. I'd been listening to it quite a bit lately, but without acknowledging it's holiday elements. It wasn't until Yelli and I were driving around on Sunday, looking at Christmas lights, that she pointed out just how festive it is.

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee...

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe 'til St. Patrick's Day

We should take a ride tonight around the town
and look around at all the beautiful houses
something in the way that blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be
just like you and me...

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day

It's a balmy 45 degrees here in Boston today. Much of December has been in the 50's. Quite a change from the chilly holidays of Vermont. But regardless of the weather, and despite a few hiccups, this has been the warmest December I've had in years...

Here's hoping it lasts for a little while longer.

Speaking of famous friends, I am a long-time acquaintance (and fan) of Mr. Gregory Douglass, an amazing singer/songwriter (and Logo television star). I had the pleasure of attending the CD release show for Gregory's great new album, Up and Away, last night at Cambridge's Club Passim.

Of all the times I've seen Gregory -- and there have been many, at least ten since I discovered his music my first year at UVM -- this may have been my favorite performance. It was the first time I'd seen him with a full band (and the third time I'd seen him with his new-ish accompanist, songbird Lisa Piccirillo; their partnership at times reminds me of the Damien Rice/Lisa Hannigan bond) and I really dug it. Lisa and the band bring a whole new dimension to his sound, and I might prefer it, though the man is amazing solo as well. The new material is just fantastic, too, and I can't wait to spend more time with the new album. Gregory's music has always been soulful and mature, but it has definitely evolved. The sound isn't exactly new, and he's the same Greg I first saw in the Billings North Lounge back in '00, but it's perfected.

(Anais Mitchell, newly signed to Righteous Babe, opened the show. Though her set as just a tad too long, I highly enjoyed it. She's got a great voice, nice presence, and lyrics to die for -- or at least quote a lot.)

New Yorkers -- Gregory is playing tonight at the Living Room, hosting another album release show, this time with another talented (and hot) gay singer, Eric Himan. I highly recommend you check it out if you can. (Folks in CT, VT, and CA, it looks like Gregory will be playing near you, too.)

If you've never heard of Gregory Douglass, here's a tip -- go hear him now.

20SUM REVIEW Damien Rice - 9 Release Date: 11/14/2006 Explicit Lyrics

This week, Damien Rice quietly (to me, at least) released a new album -- 9 -- his second full-length disc and his first studio album in almost four years.

I've been spending quality time with 9 since I scored an advanced copy last week and I have to say it's a worthy successor to his incredible debut, O, and in some cases, as a whole, I like this album better. Rice and his go-to songbird Lisa Hannigan are back for ten more lush, intense tracks and it's a powerful ride. While it may be missing a clear anthem (and O had many -- "Volcano," "The Blower's Daughter," and, especially, "Cannonball"), 9 is more consistent and I like almost all of it (whereas with O, I often find myself bored with the non-single tracks). The new release is timed perfectly, as 9 makes a perfectly atmospheric soundtrack for the cold, creeping days and the dark, long nights of November.

I found O at the tail-end of '03 ("Volcano" even got a mention in the early days of this blog) and it became one of the first albums I connected with post-college. It's deep and flawed songs of love spoke to me as I fell deeper in love with a man I shouldn't have and, despite Damien's warnings, I built my world around a volcano, a relationship I knew would never work. Almost four years later, I'm still reeling from a relationship that's been over for over a year -- I'm out of love with the man, but still dealing with the wounds and wreckage left by him as I try to negotiate new possibilities in my new life... and here comes a new Damien Rice album to speak to me again.

While that first album was largely about power dynamics in love -- the gloriously dysfunctional, unattainable, and destructive sides of lust and relationships -- this follow-up more closely focuses in on deception, insecurities, and infidelity (starting with the semi-titular track, "9 Crimes") with a bit more experience and maturity. Damien's had more experience with all of this since 2003 -- and so have I. RIce is damaged and dark -- it's part of his appeal -- and with 9 he's perhaps a bit more on the edge and, at times, over it. That's perhaps why, as a whole, I prefer this new disc to his first -- he's aged, grown, evolved. And I like to think I've done so, too. He's pissed and flawed, but he's still hopeful... because, to spite our scars from love's battles, we have to hold onto hope.

9 by Damien Rice is 20sum Approved. It's a damn good album and you should get it immediately. Hell, it's so good you should buy it, not steal it -- it's that worthy of your hard-earned cash. (Continue on for my track-by-track favorites.)

Because you demanded it (and because there's nothing in my life that I'm feeling appropriate for the blog right now), here's a rundown of the largely middle-of-the-road sounds that are filling my iPod on my daily commute. Populated largely from WBOS and *sigh* Grey's Anatomy, this mix reads like it was made by someone who's reached his late twenties, when in fact I am firmly still in the mid-range. I am still hip and relivent -- it's just that the tunes I'm listening to this fall may be a bit tame. That doesn't mean they don't rock my ass off (while I'm drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte, of course).

Mat Kearney - "Bullet," "All I Need," and "Crashing Down"
Kearney is my current M.O.T.R. God. He may be Grey's new go-to singer/songwriter, but I've liked him for a while now (even though Danielle liked him first). "Bullet," a funky love tune taking it's title from the simple-yet-powerful lyric, "I would take a bullet for you," is my favorite, constantly reminding me of the short list of people that I would, indeed, die to protect, a list that's been on my mind a lot this fall. The other two songs are just so good that I eat them up like room temperature frosting from a can. Good stuff. You should listen.

Jonny Lang - "Anything's Possible"
At first, I hated this song. It has some seemingly misguided and almost inappropriate soundbytes from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.. But when you get past that? It's peppy. And uplifting. And just plain good.

Sufjan Stevens - "Chicago"
I came late to the party, but I am digging this indie god these days. And my favorite is "Chicago," his most popular and accessible song -- you know, the one everybody likes, and that Snow Patrol sings about in their single, "Hands Open"? But Chicago -- the city, not the song -- seems to be the place to be lately, so it makes me think of the friends I dearly miss.

Rocco DeLuca - "Colorful"

Josh Kelley - "Deep Deep Breath" and "You are a Part of Everything"

John Mayer - "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)," "Dreaming with a Broken Heart," and "In Repair"
...and the whole damn album. Surprisingly, John Mayer has redeemed himself in my jaded little heart with "Continuum." I adore his new album (with or without "Sneak Peak," Yelli). It's just so good, particularly the three tracks mentioned above. "In Repair" is, literally, this year's answer to my fall anthem of 2005 -- Coldplay's "Fix Me." This year I am in much better shape and this song reminds me that, while sometimes I might think I'm still broken, maybe this is as fixed as I get. And maybe that's a good thing. "I could be wrong, I could be ready." And speaking of being ready -- "I Don't Trust Myself" is the perfect song for a certain state of mind that I find myself in sometimes. "If my past is any sign of your future, you should be warned before I let you inside." This is pure gold. Like "Room for Squares" but with more polish, more power, more maturity. Bravo, Mr. Mayer. Bravo.

Starsailor - "In the Crossfire"

Shawn Colvin - "Fill Me Up"
A woman? On this list? And a woman from Lilith Fair at that! What is this, 1998? I had long ago abandoned Sarah McLachlan and her sisters, but this new ditty from Ms. Colvin is short, sweet, and addictive. It kinda sorta makes me wish that the Lilith gals still hit the road in the summer.

Gomez - "How We Operate"
Another song from Grey's, but another one I've known for a bit longer. It's dramatic, just like me -- but with a really sweet beginning, some abrupt lyrics, and a swelling chorus. And sometimes, sometimes, the right lyric -- "Turn a new page, tear the old one out" -- hits me at the right time -- a picturesque view of Boston -- and I know that I'm in the right place and my recent decisions have been right for me. Thank you, Gomez, for affirming my life choices with another killer tune.

Snow Patrol - "You Could Be Happy" and "Open Your Eyes"

The Alternate Routes - "Ordinary"

Dixie Chicks - "Lullaby"
With an opening lyrics like, "They didn't have you where I come from," how can I not fall in love with this sweet, sweet song.

Amos Lee - "Shout Out Loud"
He's back, and better than ever.

Regina Spektor - "Samson" and "Better"

The Killers - "When You Were Young"
Don't hate me, my brothers and sisters -- but I was largely disappointed by the Scissor Sister's follow-up. The Killers, however, delivered where the Sisters could not. Whereas Jake Shears and company's effort sounds too much like recycled and imitative Bee Gees/Elton John '70s (I'm sorry, while the sound is peppy it reeks of unoriginality, so unlike their first album), The Killers have channeled their largely retro sound into something much more inventive. While I haven't spent a ton of time with the new disc, I do really like it, particularly the first single -- which is actually pretty gay, with little glam and with nary an apperance on Dancing With The Stars. (For the record -- the boys I thought about when I was young looked nothing like Jesus.)

The Fray - "How To Save a Life"
Overplayed? Yes. Still perfect? Hell yes. This song had been the song for me this fall in coping with some tough, but ultimately healthy and correct, choices I had to make. Sad that I find that wisdom in a pop song. This song, to me, is about forgiving yourself for giving up on someone after doing all that you can to help them. It's about trying and failing, about making the very difficult decision to say good-bye to someone you love because watching them hurt themselves and others, not to mention you, is ultimately killing you. It's about finally saying, I'm better than this and so are you. And I can't save you. "As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice..." Still, I get goose bumps.

Previous Seasonal iMixes:
What Summer Sounds Like (June 2006)

You Make Me Feel Like Singing (August 2005)

[Via ryanaceto.]

Here's how it works:
For some reason, Hollywood has decided that the story of your life MUST be told. Of course, all good movies need a soundtrack...

Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc), or mp3 player. Put it on shuffle. Press play. For every question type the song that's playing. When you go to a new question press the next button (you can't skip more than once - no cheating!). See if your soundtrack will go platinum....or not.

Some odd, some spooky... some right on. Though personally, I'd like Guster's "One Man Wrecking Machine" as my opening credits.

Still, I think this is a hit.

This morning I was watching television with my brother and sister (what else is there to do a beautiful Saturday morning?) when I was attacked by the most horrible, disgusting, and offensive ad I've ever seen.

That's right. I saw the ad for "Buzz Ballads."

Yes, from the fine folks who brought us "Monster Ballads" and "Monsters of Rock" comes "Buzz Ballads," a collection of "32 rockin' buzz ballads on 2 CDs!" Also? It's a reminder of my impending mortality.

See, "Buzz Ballads" is a collection of alt-rock mega-hits from the past twelve or so years. It reaches way back to my middle and early high school days and extends into my more recent mid-to-late college days.

Hole is on this CD. So is Live. Better Than Ezra. Bush. Tonic. Poe. Gin Blossoms. Cranberries. The Counting Crows. Toad the muthafukin' Wet Sproket.

My Lord, Tori Amos' version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is on here.

These were the Gods of my formative years. Once upon a time, they were my favorite artists. Now their biggest -- and, in some cases, only -- hits are packaged together with such recent trash as Lifehouse and Default.

Granted, all these songs lost what little cred they may have had years ago and have by now have become cliches. You hear half of 'em at the dentists office now. We've already been subjected to the "Livin' in the 90s" song collection and VH1's "I Love The 90s" (twice), but still -- there was some shred of hope and dignity I could hold onto with this music. And now that's gone.

Why? I remember it distinctly. I was a Freshman in college, at the University of Rhode Island in 1999. It was Oozeball Weekend, a fact that will mean nothing to most in my reading audience. And on TV came an add for a little collection called "Monster Ballads." Finally you could get "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," "More Than Words," and "The Flame" in the same two-disc set!

We sang along. I went on Napster. I downloaded "High Enough" by Damn Yankees. I played it in WinAmp and I labeled the genre "80s Cheese."

Today, as my sister sang along with "Doll Parts," like it was the latest Ashlee Simpson single. She then asked me if I had it on my iTunes. She wanted it on her iPod.

If she was as anal about labeling her music as I am, she'd probably file it under "90s Cheese."

I died a little inside.

This is some of the music I came of age to, with. And now I realize I've passed into my mid-to-late mid-twenties. This is just wrong.

So that settles it. I'm done. Done trying to stay in the loop, trying to be hip. I'm deleting my music collection. I'm going to throw out my iPod and switch back to PC. Hell, maybe I'll even marry a woman. Any edginess from my youth is now packaged into a two-disc direct market collection with a horrible title. It's time I started listening to Top 40 radio anyway.

My life is over.

Sublime and Candlebox are on the same CD as Staind and Everlast? I mean - come on.

If you're like me, you have a list of songs that you'd just have sing if you had any talent. A list, perhaps, of tunes you'd whip out at a karaoke bar (if you wouldn't embarrass yourself). Or, as I like to imagine, a collection of covers that you'd impress audiences with if you were an acclaimed singer-songwriter.

I may possess no music talent (save for the uncanny ability to create amazing mix CDs from my sizable iTunes Library), but I do have unrealistic dreams -- and a list.

On top of said list is my favorite "folk" song of all time, a tune called "Once I Was" by Tim Buckley (Jeff's father). I would simply have to cover this song, and I would totally do it, and Mr. Buckley, justice. It's somewhat heartbreaking, but it's lyrics and music are quite beautiful... Give it a listen.

Full lyrics after the break.

Looks like I'll be in New York this July 4th, and I'll be seeing Madonna (my second time) on July 2nd at Madison Square Garden for her Confessions Tour.

I fucking love Madonna. It's probably the gayest thing about me besides, you know, cocksucking and throwing a frisbee. And I fucking love Madonna live. Such a good show.

Greg writes of his "euphoria" (which I share with him) on his MySpace blog:

So I bought Madonna tickets this morning! There's a whole heroic crazy-mad story, but I don't feel like typing it all, and due to my state of utter euphoria, my head hurts and my hands and feet and tingly numb. Anyway I'm super-psyched, though they're not the best seats they are DEAD CENTER which is mainly what I was going for.

I'm partly embarassed to be typing this, but this will be the 4th time I've seen her in concert and the 5th time I've seen her life, having seen her dining with Gweneth Paltrow on that fateful day (October 13, 1999). Um yeah. So I'm a dork. But, when she's not touring or God-forbid dead, I will only regret all the times I didn't get up at 7am and spend $500 for tickets to see her, not the times I did.

(Yes I spent $500, but I bought 5 tickets, don't judge me).

According to iTunes, here were my Top 25 Most Played tracks in '05. (For an iTunes Music Store iMix of this playlist, click here.)

• Hung Up -- Madonna
  
• Chocolate -- Snow Patrol
  
• Breathe Me -- Sia
  
• More Than Anyone -- Gavin DeGraw
  
• Fix You -- Coldplay
  
• First Day of My Life -- Bright Eyes
  
• Best of You -- Foo Fighters
  
• Where Does the Good Go -- Tegan & Sara
  
• Trusted -- Ben Folds
  
• Talk -- Coldplay
  
• You're Beautiful -- James Blunt
  
• Collide -- Howie Day
  
• Since U Been Gone -- Kelly Clarkson
  
• Rough Around the Edges -- Teitur
  
• The World Exploded Into Love -- Bob Schneider
  
• You Wouldn't Like Me -- Tegan & Sara
  
• I Will Not Be Broken -- Bonnie Raitt
  
• Wordplay -- Jason Mraz
  
• Addicted -- Kelly Clarkson
  
• I Love You 'Cause I Have To -- Dogs Die in Hot Cars
  
• Til I Get To You -- Nikka Costa
  
• Everything is Everything -- Phoenix
  
• Never Leave Your Heart Alone -- Butterfly Boucher
  
• The One I Love -- David Gray
  
• Burning Bridges -- Jason Mraz

For an iMix with 89 of my Top 250 tracks, click here.

The episode was overall solid, especially after somewhat lackluster bows by both Lost and Housewives. The little-medical-show-that-could delivers where the blockbusters couldn't. Even if the Meredith/Dr. McDreamy/Mrs. McDreamy storyline was a little eh, Sandra Oh rocked my ass out of the park and George was, well, my George.

So, no, the show is far from over for me. Still loves it!

(And don't forget -- the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack dropped today. Featuring great tracks by Tegan & Sara, Mike Doughty, Ben Lee, and Medeski Martin & Wood -- the album looks like it kind of, sort of rocks.)

Usually, with music I relate to, I imagine I'm singing it. To somebody, maybe. I'm Josh Kelley soulfully serenading somebody special. I'm the dude from Franz Ferdinand looking to make somebody to love me. I'm Kelly Clarkson belting out a tune to my ex-boyfriend. It's sort of a self-centered view of music, I suppose, but when I'm rocking to my iPod, it's really all about me. (Such is our post-iPod world.)

But this song -- Coldplay's newest single -- I'm actually imaging somebody else singing it to me. See, I'm kind of lost right now, and I feel a bit "broken," definitely not myself. And it would be nice to have some handsome stranger (certainly not Chris Martin), singing to me, promising to "fix me," even though I know I'm the only person who can do that.

Ah, self-help from X&Y... (Download "Fix You" from iTunes.)

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

- Coldplay, Fix You

I don't think I was tagged, but I still want to play!

20sum Approved Top Ten Summer Songs (or Something)

1. Coldplay -- Talk

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?

Track number five off of their otherwise fairly lackluster new album, Coldplay's "Talk" is easily my favorite "album" track of the summer. From the opening riff to the lyrics, it's a good song period, but it's perfect for drives on cool summer nights.

2. Alanis Morrisette -- Eight Easy Steps

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

Despite the release of Jagged Little Pill Acoustic this summer, and despite falling back in love with JLP's "All I Really Want," it is "Eight Easy Steps" that takes the cake as not only my Alanis summer track, but a new anthem. I don't know how I missed this track the first time around, in 2004, on So-Called Chaos, but I'm glad I found it this year.

3. Foo Fighters -- Best of You

I needed somewhere to hang my head without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use

In a summer where I lost the love of my life (I'm being melodramatic) seemingly due to infidelity in the Big Apple (I'm being bitter), the first single of Foo Fighter's new double album "For Your Honor" totally rocked my ass off. It started getting big-time radio play right as my shit hit the fan, so it was a great tune to scream out with while in the car.

4. Ben Folds -- Trusted

How does it feel to realize / You're all alone behind your eyes?
It seems to me if you can't trust / You can't be trusted

Another song that, both musically and lyrically, just hits me. I have issues with trust and so, apparently, does Mr. Ben Folds. When he sings the line about his girlfriend reading his diary, again, it's a bit too close to home.

5. Kelly Clarkson -- Addicted

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

I could just say, "Nuff Said." But you know me. I can't just say that. I loves me some Kelly C, and I loves me some of this song. If I'm missing the Big D, and maybe think about hanging out with him, or trying to get back with him, I just listen to this song and try to remember that I'm in rehab from love. "Just one more hit," Kelly sings. "I can handle it." But she can't. No, no. And neither can I.

6. Snow Patrol -- Chocolate

A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

My birthday anthem of the Big Two-Five has quickly turned into a summer anthem -- and could well last me well into 26. Lyrically, it fits a bit of everything.

7. Tegan & Sara -- You Wouldn't Like Me

There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone

A few weeks back, a helpful 20sum reader suggested I listen to lots of Tegan & Sara to get over Duncan. Little did he know that I already was. I used to be (and I suppose I still am) hooked on "Where Does the Good Go?," but right now I am totally digging on "You Wouldn't Like Me." I mean, come on, with lyrics like, "I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me"? That's gold.

8. Of Montreal - Everything Disappears When You Come Around

On the news at night, they talk about the disappearances.
They interview the people who were witnesses.
Most are shocked, some don't care.

Bizarre, sweet, and fun. Just love this ditty. No deep or sentimental reason -- yet.

9. Liz Phair -- Why Can't I

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

I'm not there yet. But I will be. And this song gives me end-of-summer hope.

10. Nikka Costa -- Till I Get To You

It's just a matter of time till I get to you
No matter how many I gotta get through

Lyrically, I think this song is simple but brilliant. (Lovers LMNOP... til I get to "U"... wow.) Musically, it makes me want to dance like Ellen D on tables and in elevators. It is just so good. It's the song I had cranked in my new car when I got pulled over for speeding in my first week of ownership. Nikka gives me hope, like Liz up there, that my "U" is still out there. Awwwwww....

I am currently obsessed with singer/songwriter Josh Kelley, and his new single "Only You."

Since it's unlikely he'll ever marry me, I do hope he starts dating Kelly Clarkson. Not only would she be Kelly Kelley if they got hitched (bad gag, sorry), but they would be such an amazing music couple. They'd be a modern day Taylor and Simon coupling! And that would make me die happy.

But I digress...

Search for Josh on iTunes. All his stuff is good -- even his cover of "You Are The Woman," which may yet make me wonder if I am transgendered.

Well, I bought the Volvo. I like it. I'm happy. Don't make fun of me.

It is nice to have one piece of the bigger puzzle of my life in place. And it's nice to know that I made something that I wanted, something fairly big, happen fairly quickly. I decided I wanted a car and within a week, I am the proud owner of a very sensible "family" station wagon. I feel accomplished. Independent. Protected by side-curtain airbags. Part of me does worry if this is all a reaction to turning 25 and to my recent breakup, but then I just remind myself I'm trying too hard to be self-aware. I bought a car -- not that big of a deal.

But I do have wheels for the first time in two years. That's huge.

Having a car again opens all sorts of new doors. I suspect I will make a decision regarding my new living situation this week. It's nice to have options on the table and be able to chose. I'm thrilled to finally settle on something, and to soon move and settle into a new place. But, being my neurotic self, I am nervous too. Change is exciting, but scary.

I mean, I've been in the same very comfortable place for the past two years -- carless, in the same tiny and haunted apartment, in the same relationship -- and all that's changed, or soon will. New opportunities. New friends. New car. New home. Inevitably I'll start dating new people. I didn't think I'd be here a month ago -- figuring out my life goals, taking on new loan payments, and moving without my boyfriend -- but I am kind of glad to be here. It's terrifying sometimes, and sad others -- but overall, it's an adventure I'm ready to embark on. I'm looking forward to learning more about my new Volvo, and myself, in the coming months.

On my drive back home with my new car yesterday, in the rain, I popped in the copy of Radiohead's OK Computer borrowed from my increasingly music-savvy fourteen-year-old brother. Inevitably, the trippy computer-voiced track "Fitter Happier" came on. I was instantly tempted to skip ahead, but for some reason I stuck with it. I just leaned back in my comfy leather seat and took in the jittery robot lyrics.

Fitter, happier, more productive
Comfortable
Not drinking too much
Regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week)
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
At ease
Eating well
(No more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
A patient better driver
A safer car
(Baby smiling in back seat)
Sleeping well
(No bad dreams)
No paranoia
Careful to all animals
(Never washing spiders down the plughole)
Keep in contact with old friends
(Enjoy a drink now and then)
Will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall)
Favours for favours
Fond but not in love
Charity standing orders
On Sundays ring road supermarket
(No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
Car wash
(Also on Sundays)
No longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
Nothing so childish - at a better pace
Slower and more calculated
No chance of escape
Now self-employed
Concerned (but powerless)
An empowered and informed member of society
(Pragmatism not idealism)
Will not cry in public
Less chance of illness
Tires that grip in the wet
(Shot of baby strapped in back seat)
A good memory
Still cries at a good film
Still kisses with saliva
No longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick
That's driven into frozen winter shit
(The ability to laugh at weakness)
Calm
Fitter
Healthier and more productive
A pig in a cage on antibiotics

Want to continue respecting your boyfriend and his musical choices? Do not allow him to borrow your iPod to go to the gym, and do not allow him to create an On-The-Go playlist. It's scary.

I spent a good portion of yesterday, my second-to-last weekday vacation day, down at the Burlington Waterfront with my iPod and then with buddy Meghan. (Sadly, I got very little color -- nary a burn!) iPod did a good and eerie job of shuffling through it's 15GB to bring me several perfect songs for such a perfect June 2.

This morning, in my daily blog rounds, I found a fun poll (or meme, whatever that means) at iPod Lounge that begs me to answer for myself. So here you are:

Top Five: Favorite Sunny/Rainy Bands
(Off the top of my head, subject to change, and in no particular order)

Sunshine '05:
Jack Johnson / Donavon Frankenreiter
The B-52's
Belle & Sebastian
Scissor Sisters
Huey Lewis & The News (and that is listed without a lick of irony)

Bonus: My favorite summer song of all time is probably "Summer Breeze" by Seals & Croft -- particularly the Phillip Steir remix or the Jason Mraz cover.

My current favorite "walking song" (in which, while listening to my iPod and walking, I like to pretend that it's the music montage at the end of the weekly television dramedy about my life)? "Life is Short" by Butterfly Boucher.

Downpour '05:
Damien Rice
The Postal Service
Jeff Buckley
Morcheeba
EastMountainSouth

So... What are your picks?

1. Total amount of music files on your computer?

2. The last CD you bought was:

Jack Johnson's new one, In Between Dreams. Remember? Before that it was Ani DiFranco's latest. Both are good, but Jack's more contagious.

3. What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?

"Re-Offender" by Travis.

4. Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.

Five songs out of 11,000+?? Yeah right. You can check out my outdated MusicMobs page for a more in-depth look at my listening-habits. But for this thing, in no particular order, here's my (don't-judge-me) current in heavy rotation list:

I listened to Ari Hest's cover of "Landslide" (for a limited time only, download it here), thanks to shuffle, while getting ready for work early this morning. It's such a brillant cover of a fairly overdone song. It breathes new life into it for me -- and I was pretty Landslide-ed out after the Smashing Pumpkins and the Dixie Chicks had their way with it. Ari, you've saved it.

But the thing is, it's a beautifully sad song and it's a beautifully sad cover of it. And this morning it hit me. With an impending winter storm, with thoughts of leaving Vermont, and with the potential end of the most signifigant relationship of my entire life perhaps looming, I almost just wanted to cry, alone, in my apartment.

Almost. Instead it didn't come out. And, for now, I just blog about song lyrics.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

It's a lazy President's Day and I'm recharging my batteries at home. So I stole this nifty questionaire from this charming man.

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: Sarah McLachlan

Are you male or female: Mary

Describe yourself: Building a Mystery

How do some people feel about you: Back Door Man

How do you feel about yourself: Good Enough

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Train Wreck

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Plenty

Describe where you want to be: Elsewhere

Describe what you want to be: Out of the Shadows

Describe how you live: Lost & Full of Grace

Describe how you love: Possession

Share a few words of wisdom: Hold On, I Will Not Forget You

Following up on my Top Ten Songs of 2004 yesterday, here are my picks for the year's best albums. Well, I don't know about best -- but they were certainly my faves.

Top Five Albums

5. U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
I bought the hype, and I bought the album. And guess what? It's actually really good!

4. Donavon Frankenreiter - Donavon Frankenreiter
Donavon is Jack Johnson's pal and "prodigy," and he turned out a pretty amazing album. If you like JJ, you'll like this.

3. Jason Mraz -- Tonight, Not Again (live)
In 2003, I bought two tickets to see Mraz live in Providence. I screwed up the date, and Yelli and I headed down without checking the tickets. Turns out the show was the next night. We were too defeated to go back. This CD makes me really, really regret that decision.

2. Jem -- Finally Woken
People compare her to Dido. That's unfair. She's better. Lots of quirky tunes on this one, all of which are awesome.

1. Gavin DeGraw -- Chariot Stripped
You get the entire original Chariot album, PLUS a second disc of acoustic "reimagined" versions and a cover song. I love me some Gavin, and I love me both discs here.

Honorable Mentions

I managed to scrape together 62 other songs that I dug in '04. Here is a link to an iMix with some of my other favorite songs from the year. Not everything's here, but this is what I could think of.

Everybody else is doing it, so why can't I? Here is my unqualified Top 10 of 2004 -- well, at least the best I can remember from the year that can be found on iTunes.

10. Maroon 5 -- She Will Be Loved
Probably the biggest hit on this list. I really dig Songs About Jane, which I bought in 2004, and loved this song most of all, even before all the radio play. This was also the first ringtone I bought. Ever.

9. Rachael Yamagata -- Worn Me Down
The new Sarah McLachlan? Great song.

8. The Postal Service -- Such Great Heights
Interesting new stuff. Love the lyrics.

7. Bob Schneider -- The World Exploded Into Love
I probably fell in love with this song quicker than any other in '04. It's like crack.

6. Donavon Frankenreiter ft. Jack Johnson - Free
The summer song of '04.

5. Jonatha Brooke -- God Only Knows
Love the original. Love love love this cover.

4. Teitur -- You're The Ocean
I saw Teitur live three times this year, and worked with him twice. And this was after I bought and loved his Poetry & Aeroplanes. Good stuff, especially this one -- great sound and lyrics.

3. Scissor Sisters -- Take Your Mama
How can you not love this infectious song? It can just do me anytime.

2. Alexi Murdoch -- Orange Sky
Soft and sweet, and just touching. This song probably got the most plays by me in '04.

1. Gavin DeGraw -- Belief
Be it the original version, the "Stripped" version, or seeing him live -- this love ballad sums up my 2003 and 2004 -- and for that gets the honor of being my "Song of the Year."

Buy & download all 10 songs for $9.90 at iTunes.

I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
Well it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
(It's not supposed to)

Was there a second of time I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down?
Was anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now?
And he is here now

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you?

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't and it won't
And I will pay no mind
Worried bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together

- John Mayer

The other day, on the way to work, my iPod randomly played Jesus Jones' one-hit wonder from 1991, "Right Here Right Now." Yeah, I know -- Jesus Jones. Not only do I have "Right Here Right Now" on my computer, I have it on my iPod. And my iPod thinks that I want to hear it as I walk up North Street to work in sub-zero temperatures.

But ya know what? As I get closer to my new 'Pod, as we move past our honeymoon period, I learn that it's not unlike all my relationships. There are good days (and playlists), and bad days (and songs I should just delete). And sometimes, sometimes, 'Poddy gives me not what I want, but what I need.

Strangely enough, Jesus Jones was just what I needed.

See, last week was a big week. There were milestones -- anniversaries, reunions, visits, big events -- all in the span of about 7 days. Here's the quick rundown:

On Friday, I had my first big, big event with work -- a big-ass concert that was the bane of my existence for about two months -- and a visit from my bestest best friend Danielle, for the show, and for her annual weekend Vermont visit. A few days earlier -- the 21st -- would've marked three years for me and Joe, had we not broken up sometime after year one. The same day was my Mom's 41st birthday, which means that (A) I have a young mother and (B) in nine years, she'll be 50 and I'll be 32. And a few days before that, my boyfriend returned to me after a short geographical break and, coincidentally, then celebrated our one-year anniversary in Montreal. And, last but not least, I passed one more marker last week. I have called Burlington, specifically The University of Vermont, my home for exactly four years now.

Lots going on -- past and present -- in my little life here in Vermont.

And you know what I realized, as I walked through the frozen tundra that is Burlington in January, as my 'Pod's wires stiffened and my beard became frosty, as Jesus Jones provided a soundtrack...?

Right here, right now -- there is no other place I want to be.

At 23, there are big weeks and little weeks. They go by so fast and I pass milestones -- graduations, moves, births and deaths -- along the way. I've settled into a groove, a life, here in Burlington, since graduating, moving, and returning.

I have a job that doesn't pay much. A cheap, tiny, cold apartment that gets lonely sometimes. All of my best friends are far away. But I do feel closer to many of those friends, closer than I've felt in a long time. My apartment's becoming a cozy, comfy home. My job is fun and I'm excelling at it. And my relationship continues to surprise me -- in good ways -- as time goes on.

I have a life. I know that most of this, maybe all of it, isn't forever. But it's now. And for now, it's more than good enough. Funny thing is, I'm not thinking about next semester much. Next year. The next step. I do sometimes, but it's not this constant voice in my head, like it's been almost my entire life. For the first time, I am in the moment.

And I am pretty much happy.

I know there will be changes. I know there will be grad school. I figure there'll be Boston. I know that, sooner or later, there will be conversations that decide the future. But right now there are no plans. No expectations...

Life isn't perfect, and I don't think it's supposed to be. And if being a diehard fan of Sex and the City for the past four years has taught me nothing else, it's this: "That's the key to having it all: Stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. That's true of the fall lines, and that's true of relationships."

I don't know much about fall lines (c'mon, I'm not that gay), and I may know even less about relationships, but I'm learning. At 23, I'm learning that I may not be married by 25, and I may not have kids by 30. I may not have all my friends physically in my life everyday. I may not be rich. I may not be where I thought I'd be at 23, but I think I finally get it. I wasn't where I thought I'd be at 18, at 19, 20, and so on. And I made myself miserable about it. It was only in hindsight that I realized, in almost every case, what I had in those moments. What I took for granted, what I missed, all because I didn't slow down, stop, savor...

Someday, I'll have it all -- whatever that means. There's plenty of time for the future, for the plans and the conversations, for the now or nevers. But right here, right now...

If you can be happy in a moment -- whether it be during a Gavin DeGraw concert, a cheesy 80s movie with funny cameos and a horrible soundtrack, random sing-alongs with obscure pop mp3s, or a quiet, drunken moment on an uncomfy futon in a overheated loft -- that's a start. And if you can be happy in many (maybe even most) moments, you've got something special. Something to savor. Something to believe in.

Right here, right now...

There is no other place I want to be.