twenty-something

Of course I remember him. I remember him vividly, though not fondly, and he was signicant enough to write about on this blog back in 2005, when remembering 1997:

I begin chatting with a guy named Scott from AOL's "Vermont M4M" chat room. He's mid-to-late twenties, and lives in Burlington, about two hours north of my home. He's supposedly a jock type, masculine, bisexual. His pictures are decent. So we decide to meet.

I get a ride to the mall from my dad, and awkwardly set out to meet Scott. Of course, my dad -- along with my brother and sister -- insist on following me into the mall. I see a distorted version of the guy from the pictures in the food court, but I can't seem to shake my family. So... yes... Scott meets them all. At this point, I don't know what my mother has told my father about my sexuality (and, in truth, to this day, my father and I have never truly had a conversation about it) -- but it is weird nonetheless.

After escaping the fam, as we're browsing through the Disney Store, it's clear Scott and I don't have much in common. We don't really get along and I don't like him. But when he suggests we get a room at the Howard Johnson's next door, I say, "Why not?" I figure, he drove all this way... and I might as well bite the bullet...

Next thing I know, we're awkwardly undressing in the hotel. Naked, he doesn't quite look like what I expected. But then he's kissing me, and his fat tounge is just resting in my mouth. It's that moment that I realize -- this is my first real gay kiss. This is the first time I've been fully naked with another man. In a bed. And it doesn't really seem like a big deal. It's not magic. It's not even that hot. But it's over before long. We leave the hotel room and Scott drops me off at home.

I block him from my Buddy List the instant I sign on.

In 2008, Scott's message continues, "I think we need to meet up! I hope you are well, but clearly we are still both single and looking for similar things! I find myself more attracted to people who grew up in Vermont despite my almost 7 yrs of living in Boston at this point. Anyway, I hope we can get together sometime soon! I think it would be great to catch up!"

Similar things? Catch up? "Hey, Scott! You still sleeping with sixteen year old boys?" There's not much to say. He's lost some weight and I've gained some. We both live in Boston now and we're both single. I can physically grow a beard. What do we have to catch up on? What do we have in common besides both being on match.com?

I won't respond to him. I feel bad, as I'm sure he's a nice guy. I'm sure he's changed. But he was around my age now--well, minus four years, but still--when he was trolling the internet for sex with minors. I could never fathom sleeping with a high schooler. Clearly, I didn't do it when I was 16, why would I do it now?

I doubt Scott still hooks up with teens these days, and maybe I was his only dip into the world of statutory rape. But to me, he will always ways be one of those guys, one of those older men who traveled across the state of Vermont in hopes of hooking up with a kid. Scott's only different because he was the first of a handful. Yeah, there were others--dozens who tried, but only four that I actually met--between 16 and 18, and I didn't think there was anything wrong with that at the time. It wasn't until I saw "To Catch a Predator" that I realized how messed up some of my first sexual encounters were--or, I suppose, could have been. I was never a victim, but I also wasn't some Green Mountain Lolita. I was a horny teenager with an AOL account and parents who were easily fooled. It's a wonder I made it through those two years safe and sound, and without any truly scary stories to tell. I'm lucky.

I don't harbor any real resentment towards Scott. I didn't do with him anything I didn't want to do. He didn't scar or traumatize me. He was simply an experience I had as a teenager, a hurdle I thought I had to cross into gay-manhood, and one of many online hook-ups over the past eleven years in what's shaping up to be a lifelong struggle between big head and little head, waged on the battlefield of the worldwide web. And though we're both many years older now, and the site has changed from "Vermont M4M" to match.com, Scott and I can never change how we met.

I'm the guy that met you when you were still in high school in Rutland

Scott is only significant because he was the first.