twenty-something ABOUT • ARCHIVES • READER • TWITTER

This morning I was watching television with my brother and sister (what else is there to do a beautiful Saturday morning?) when I was attacked by the most horrible, disgusting, and offensive ad I've ever seen.

That's right. I saw the ad for "Buzz Ballads."

Yes, from the fine folks who brought us "Monster Ballads" and "Monsters of Rock" comes "Buzz Ballads," a collection of "32 rockin' buzz ballads on 2 CDs!" Also? It's a reminder of my impending mortality.

See, "Buzz Ballads" is a collection of alt-rock mega-hits from the past twelve or so years. It reaches way back to my middle and early high school days and extends into my more recent mid-to-late college days.

Hole is on this CD. So is Live. Better Than Ezra. Bush. Tonic. Poe. Gin Blossoms. Cranberries. The Counting Crows. Toad the muthafukin' Wet Sproket.

My Lord, Tori Amos' version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is on here.

These were the Gods of my formative years. Once upon a time, they were my favorite artists. Now their biggest—and, in some cases, only—hits are packaged together with such recent trash as Lifehouse and Default.

Granted, all these songs lost what little cred they may have had years ago and have by now have become cliches. You hear half of 'em at the dentists office now. We've already been subjected to the "Livin' in the 90s" song collection and VH1's "I Love The 90s" (twice), but still—there was some shred of hope and dignity I could hold onto with this music. And now that's gone.

Why? I remember it distinctly. I was a Freshman in college, at the University of Rhode Island in 1999. It was Oozeball Weekend, a fact that will mean nothing to most in my reading audience. And on TV came an add for a little collection called "Monster Ballads." Finally you could get "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," "More Than Words," and "The Flame" in the same two-disc set!

We sang along. I went on Napster. I downloaded "High Enough" by Damn Yankees. I played it in WinAmp and I labeled the genre "80s Cheese."

Today, as my sister sang along with "Doll Parts," like it was the latest Ashlee Simpson single. She then asked me if I had it on my iTunes. She wanted it on her iPod.

If she was as anal about labeling her music as I am, she'd probably file it under "90s Cheese."

I died a little inside.

This is some of the music I came of age to, with. And now I realize I've passed into my mid-to-late mid-twenties. This is just wrong.

So that settles it. I'm done. Done trying to stay in the loop, trying to be hip. I'm deleting my music collection. I'm going to throw out my iPod and switch back to PC. Hell, maybe I'll even marry a woman. Any edginess from my youth is now packaged into a two-disc direct market collection with a horrible title. It's time I started listening to Top 40 radio anyway.

My life is over.

Sublime and Candlebox are on the same CD as Staind and Everlast? I mean - come on.