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A Nice Place to Visit, But...
No, not the W Hotel in Union Square -- but here in Manhattan. Do I want to live here past the summer?
That's the question that's been hovering. I've been living here, here in New York City, for 46 days now. The summer is, essentially, past it's half-way mark and I am here on a trial basis, afterall. Soon, very soon, a decision will have to be made about the future.
I've done a lot of living here in 46 days. I've kept busy, perhaps a bit too busy, and had some good times. I've eaten well. Drank my share. I've watched a Red Sox game in a gay sports bar. I've been out a bunch. Been out for my birthday. Been on some dates. Walked many miles, met many new people. Seen some good theater, lots of random celebrities. Seen Superman in IMAX. Twice.
There's a lot to love here. But there's also a lot to hate.
I will say this -- the honeymoon is over. New York is kicking my ass. The concrete and flesh have gotten to me. To me, it's not the size of New York that's daunting, it's what's crammed into the space. And the people here -- not just the quantity, but the quality... I've met some very nice people here, but I've also encountered many, many not-so-nice people. Seen them do some not-so-nice things. Been the brunt of some of that, too. And I, of course, take it all to heart.
Just this morning my nose was assaulted by human urine, donuts, ammonia, and teriyaki sauce -- all while sitting in tiny Madison Square Park for about ten minutes before work.
I miss the smell of fresh-cut grass and cow shit. I'm so completely homesick it's beyond that, it's moved to heartbreak. I'm mourning the loss of so much, my old life, my old home, my old love...
But I am happy I am here. For now. I have absolutely no regrets. This is the experience I wanted, that I needed, and I've learned so much already. It's the start of a journey -- whether that's one here in New York, or in Boston, or elsewhere -- a journey that is not taking me back to Vermont, at least not yet. But the next step is my call and I'm not having fun making it.
Break out The Clash, baby. "Should I stay or should I go?"
I suppose if I had a career to keep me here, a job, a great job, or at least a means to an end... I'd have that. But I have nothing. I'm temping and, despite being surrounded by some nice people, I despise it. My job search here has been completely fruitless otherwise. No one wants to hire me for any graphics work, let alone even respond to my queries. I've even had trouble getting leads in Student Affairs here in the city, and made no headway with even the most menial of jobs. I've written more cover letters and sent out more resumes in the past month than I have in my life before it combined. And I seem to be either over- or under- qualified, or just plain invisible. And it's disheartening.
I suppose if I had ambition to try to "make it" as a writer right now... I'd have that. But I only have the desire to write, to produce, to craft -- not to sell myself or my work. I have been writing, though, and revisiting, and that's something I haven't really done in the past year. It's nice to be rediscovering some of my creativity. I'm working on "90s-Something," revamping that into something new, something that will most likely be outside of this blog. And that's something.
I suppose if I wanted to be here... there'd be no question. And, of course, I want to be here -- I wouldn't have moved if I didn't -- but that's just for now. If I wanted to live in New York, to become a New Yorker -- say, if it was a lifelong dream rather than a passing whim -- I'd make this work. But I don't have that ambition. New York has never been a goal destination for me, as Boston always has been. It was a thought sometimes, always followed by a follow-up: "oh, I could never live there." But after jumping at an opening in an old friend's apartment -- here I am.
And I suppose I'll do what I always do... I'll listen to my gut. Not to my brain, not to logic, not to other's advise. I'll listen to my gut, which is sometimes torn, and my heart, which is often broken, for my answer. Neither has failed me yet.
I could make it work here in New York. I could. The question is: do I want to?
Posted by Patrick on 07/25/06 at 3:05 PMCategorized: New York Quarter Life Crisis
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Comments
Your post is so brutally realistic. Thank you for that.
It's like every gay boy dreams to move away from home and make it in the Big City. No, scratch that. It's not just gay boys -- it spans all people, I think, to some extent. But sometimes it just doesn't end up fitting, for whatever reason.
I know you don't need or want advice, I am the same in that respect; it just ends up making you feel a bit queasy (if it's the opposite of what your gut tells you) or a bit skeptical (if it's the same). But for what it's worth, I will give my two cents.
I think you're right about New York. I too feel it's a temporary destination. An absolutely fantastic temporary destination, but temporary nonetheless. Ultimately I see you someplace different -- there are so many other cities that aren't as overwhelmingly dense and fabled as New York.
I feel that New York is a place so many people have lived and called their own. It's almost as if, over the years, they've sucked the life out of it -- when I'm there I don't feel myself. Rather, I feel as if I'm trying to live up to someone else's song lyrics or prose or poetry or photographs. You can't even walk down the street without thinking about that. It's a great feeling, for a while, but ultimately you're left with this feeling of defeat. It's just so daunting to tackle the place -- not because of its physical size, but because of the collective power of the stuff that exists about it.
So I say go find another city that's a little less popular. Someplace with some more trees or a mountain or two close by. Maybe the west coast, maybe the south. But ultimately, one you are eventually able to call your very own, rather than having to live in the shadows of millions of others' definitions.
You sound like an amazing individual, and you need an equally amazing and individual life-story. So best of luck; I'll be watching to see where you end up. (And sorry that my advice became somewhat longwinded!)
Posted by Mark on 07/29/06 at 10:19 AM04
You could always make it in Nashville. The southern hospitality is all you'd hope it would be. :)
Buck up, baby. This break you down only to build you back up phase will affect you more than you realize, for certain. Take comfort in the fact that you'll be hot no matter where you decide to live. xox.
Brian
Posted by Brian on 08/ 4/06 at 10:49 PMPowered by Movable Type 4. Hosted by LivingDot.
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