"I was terrified of the day he would figure it all out."

It's an unused line from an unfinished chapter of "Make The Man." Sam, our hero, has fallen for closeted Adam Duncan -- whether he wants to admit it or not. This bit is a flashback to the beginnings of their behind-closed-doors relationship. Duncan returns to Sam's dorm room after a night of partying, with the revelation that he'd played a drunken (is there any other kind?) game of Spin the Bottle. Duncan proudly boasts to his lover that he kissed not just girls, but two guys during the game -- one straight, one gay. The boy is obviously pleased with himself, intoxicated and innocent, boasting not out of conquest, but out of sheer "I kissed a boy in front of my friends" novelty glee.

And Sam? Sam is shattered. As Duncan lays his drunken frame atop him, Sam forces himself not to react, to hide his hurt and rising jealousy -- but in that very moment, he realizes the truth about his relationship.

Fiction? Call me the Anti-Frey.

I just came across the scene in this current fit of insomnia -- it's approaching 1AM, and my 6AM alarm is quickly approaching; why did I take a nap this evening? -- and I'm finding myself struck by it. Fuck, I've just been punched in the face, thrown to the ground, and kicked in the gut repeatedly by this find.

As Sam struggles with his desire to forbid Duncan from kissing other men, as he realizes that their relationship is enabling Duncan to stay in the closet, he finds himself happy to be trapped in the closet with him, in his dorm bed, under Duncan's weight.

"I'm holding you back, I thought. And I was, I knew I was, or at least felt it in that moment. Adam Duncan was new, new to all of this. Sure, he'd fucked a guy, and I never had. But I had experience, or something like it, that he didn't. I was nineteen and out. I thought I knew what it was all about. I was terrified of the day he would figure it all out."

And then...

"An image of his first night out at some gay club flashed in my mind. He'd go alone, probably with a fake ID, and he'd be so nervous he'd have to get wasted as quickly as possible. But then he'd be shirtless and sweaty before it was done, the center of attention. I pictured him giving in, kissing all those guys, those guys that weren't me, exploring, getting lost -- and I cringed.

"The knowledge that everybody wants you is intoxicating. I'd never felt it, but Duncan would."

My greatest fear during my two-and-a-half year relationship with the "real" Duncan was the day he'd come out. Though I cursed his closeted status every day, though I thought I wanted him out so we could really be together, I knew that once he was, we would be through. And I knew it and I feared it from the very beginning. This is one of the only pieces of the story I began to construct after I met my real-life frat-boy-friend; in fact, I wrote this in the first months of our involvement and, as the "Last Modified" date on the file reminds me, I haven't touched it since 2003.

So now, in 2006, he's out now and we're not together. He still says he needs me. He says I'm his best friend. And for once, I really don't know how I feel about any of this. Except, you know, kicked in the gut by an old Word file...

"No matter how much I suspected he thought he loved me, I wouldn't be enough. I wanted him so much. Wanted him to love me, all of me, and only me. And yet I knew I would never get what I wanted.

"I knew what I was signing up for back in January. But this wasn't it.

"I was trapped there in the dorm bed, his weight against me. Was this love? The routine, the jealousy? What a strange thing to crave."