twenty-something

I still need to let that sit for a moment.

It may not mean much to you, dear reader, but to me, I'm realizing, that's kind of a big deal.

Since I've spent most of my twenties in long-term relationships -- my first a bit over a year, and my second over two-and-a-half -- I've had built-in Valentines for the past five years. The whole VD spectacle never mattered much to me, not since I was kid, trading superhero valentines with other boys (and, by teacher's mandate, girls too) -- but when you're older, when you have a boyfriend, it's kind of just automatic. You get used to it, I suppose, used to having somebody on the big day when the world tells you that you should be with somebody. You get used to going out to dinner, getting a card, maybe a flower. You get used to not sleeping alone -- whether the person is in bed with you or hundreds of miles away.

You get used to the idea that somebody loves you.

This year I haven't thought much about the impending "holiday" -- at least not until today. Upon realizing that it is, indeed, tomorrow, I found myself stuck with the above revelation. Five years of Valentines. And this year -- no one to "Be Mine." I didn't think it would bother me, but I guess it does.

Tonight I find myself listening to Daniel Bettingfield's "If You're Not the One" -- yes, on purpose -- and thinking about the past, about the loves of my life. I'm left with fond memories and bad tastes, a longing in my heart and a general respect for my single status...

And -- come now -- how else does Patrick Raymond deal with the past?

00s-Something: VD Edition
• 2001 - We are going to keep it simple. We agreed. I only buy him a balloon. It has a hippo on it, or maybe an elephant. On second thought, it could've been a monkey. But by the time I tie it to his car while he's in class, I decide to give him another surprise. So then comes the flowers. The mix CD. A nice card. Some chocolate body paint... Joe and I have been dating under a month and I am totally caught up. I think I am falling in love with him...

• 2002 - Joe, my now long distance boyfriend, visits for the weekend. We have a nice dinner at an expensive Italian restaurant immediately after having hot sex on top of my desk. I don't remember what gifts we exchanged or what else we did that weekend, but I do remember the restaurant had a very tasty seafood dish. We drink wine. We break up the next month.

• 2003 - I spend the night in my dorm room alone while Duncan, my secret frat-boy-friend, is out at a party. Though I tell myself I'm not, I'm waiting for him, knowing he'll come home to me, even though the expectation was never spoken. He does, late in the night. He lets himself in and slips into bed with me, drunk, cold, and beautiful. He tastes like fruit punch and he falls asleep in my arms. It is perhaps the simplest and best Valentine's Day of my life.

• 2004 - February 14th is spent en route to Cincinnati -- but my love and I quietly celebrate both the non-holiday and our health at the Olive Garden earlier in the week. It's an odd and reflective year -- and odd that I have a publicly posted record of the occasion.

• 2005 - While in Minnesota, I cyber-fight with a then-estranged Duncan. I return home a few days later to find two red carnations waiting in my apartment along with a note saying "Sorry." We make up and break up some six months later.

• 2006 - Single. I will rise at 6AM to hit the gym and then likely put in a 14 hour work day. Evening meetings will keep me at work until at least 9, after which I will likely retire home, alone, and lock myself up in my room, sinking into bed with the Olympics. I may like it. I may hate it. But this is my life right now.

At least Batman loves me.

And he always will.