twenty-something

The heat is oppressive today as August -- and all that comes with August -- sets in. I sit here, sweating, sweating from just sitting, as I am bombarded by the hot rays of the afternoon sunshine. Despite this, despite wishing for a break in this sticky misery, summer is nearly over, for me at least, and I am not happy about it. But I can't say that I'm sad either. The changing of the seasons brings with it many changes for me, both personally and professionally, most of which I'm excited to face and some that have my palms sweating, and not due to the heat. Everything sinks in a little more each day -- the life-altering events of this summer, the life-altering decisions I've made, the smaller, quieter bits of my life that are new or different -- and I start to get an imagined image of my new life as a twenty-five-year-old.

I'm getting ahead of myself, of course (that is what I do). But realistically? It's here. Duncan moves out -- and I begin moving myself -- on August 15. And, despite temporarily cohabiting within the same space (known in some circles as "living together"), he is still very much my ex-boyfriend. Work is crazy -- and gets more so with each passing day. I still own a Volvo. And the annual "Baustin Pub Crawl," the highlight of my late-summer social calendar, is right around the corner, officially heralding the end of the season for me...

Despite this heat, my fall is practically here. And I look forward to it with a new outlook and, in many ways, a whole new life.

This will be only the second fall in five years that I face as a single guy, the first since '02. I'm excited and optimistic to begin dating again -- until the reality sets in that I will be gay dating in Vermont. Then comes a bit of dread. I'm for the challenge though -- I suppose I'll have to be.

Things have settled a bit with Duncan. Despite having removed, for now at least, my angry post from last week regarding his return, I have neither forgiven nor forgotten what happened this summer -- but I am now at a place where my anger has been tamed and I can properly deal with the end of our relationship. At this point, feeling less intense about things, I can remember and reflect upon what was wrong between us before the lying and betrayal. That doesn't mean I'm not still angry, and it doesn't mean I don't still love him in many ways -- but it does mean that I can make my peace with this ending, on my own terms, and deal with it without simply blaming it on his mistakes. It's a lot easier to blame it on actions and hurt, easier just to hate, but that's not me. Not my style. Things are bittersweet -- but I think I am making healthy choices now, regarding him.

Beyond my love life, I'm dreading the act of moving. Packing, hauling, painting -- all that stuff. Yuck. But I am quite excited to be finally settled. I look forward to my new place as I think it's the perfect fit for me, right now, in this moment of my life, and I think it could wind up feeling more like home than any place I've been in many, many years.

I choose not to write specifically about my job here on my blog, but I will say that I am approaching it's "busy season." There are also some changes coming about within it that I'm cautiously excited for. All of this movement and change will be great for my career, but I wonder about my sanity.

Speaking of sanity -- and it might just be heatstroke talking here -- but that Quarter-Life Crisis thing that I dealt with this summer? It was worth it. I feel a bit more prepared for all of these changes, this growth. As I sit here, still writing, still sweating, as the sunshine momentarily bows behind some clouds, I realize that I'm in a good place, that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.