twenty-something

As some readers and friends have noted, in supportive emails and IMs, things here at 20sum have slowed in the past few weeks -- nearly to a hault.

Why is that? some wonder. Is everything OK?

My answer? You got a new 90s-Something last week, for the first time this month. What more do you want?

But seriously, folks -- Everything is OK. Not everything is great, but I am doing fine. Obviously, as regular readers know, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. A lot of things that start with the letter B. Birthday. Break-up. Baby-Mobile. Boston, and a Boy that gives me hope. These and other changes have me on the edge of a new world -- one that's not quite brave yet, and a little too scary.

I haven't been posting because, well, I've been busy -- but, really, all I want to do is write about Duncan. About the break-up. About all the shit that comes along with this. OR -- I want to write about a new guy who makes me smile, but who may have come too soon, and it certainly seems like I'd be jumping the gun to gush about him on here, let alone be starting something with him.

I have been writing a bit about it all, but posting what I come up with feels wrong. It feels too vulnerable. It feels to angry or attacking. This blog has always been about expression and honesty -- but right now I think I've been doing a lowsy job of that with the people I care about, in my real life. I need to start there

I desperately do not want to be in the midst of a breakup or a breakdown right now. This is a process, a process I want to be done with yesterday. I want to be over Duncan and this relationship immediately, even though I know it doesn't work that way.

Lately, I feel like I'm walking around every day with the mantra of I'm Fine, I'm Fine -- trying really hard to convince everybody, especially myself. I don't want to be a needy sadsack in the midst of a messy break-up, don't want to be that friend, who's fragile, high-maintence. I guess the bright side is that I really am fine 90% of the time -- but that's still a long way from 100%. If I am going to be that "needy sadsack," it should be with real people in my real life.

II don't want this to be a crutch. (I also don't want these posts, even this one, to seem like passive-aggressive jabs at Duncan, or a "call for help" friends who read 20sum.) If anybody gets to see me vulnerable, it should be my loved ones. If I'm going to be talking about this stuff, I should be doing it with my real friends. With my family. With Duncan, even. Not semi-anonymously on the internet. Much as I love the hundreds of strangers that visit this site daily...

Besides, I don't want this to be one of those blogs. Bitter. Angry. Bitchy. Well, any more than it's always been...

My life is changing, evolving. So am I. And so, too, will this blog.

Stay tuned, won't you?