twenty-something

Well, I bought the Volvo. I like it. I'm happy. Don't make fun of me.

It is nice to have one piece of the bigger puzzle of my life in place. And it's nice to know that I made something that I wanted, something fairly big, happen fairly quickly. I decided I wanted a car and within a week, I am the proud owner of a very sensible "family" station wagon. I feel accomplished. Independent. Protected by side-curtain airbags. Part of me does worry if this is all a reaction to turning 25 and to my recent breakup, but then I just remind myself I'm trying too hard to be self-aware. I bought a car -- not that big of a deal.

But I do have wheels for the first time in two years. That's huge.

Having a car again opens all sorts of new doors. I suspect I will make a decision regarding my new living situation this week. It's nice to have options on the table and be able to chose. I'm thrilled to finally settle on something, and to soon move and settle into a new place. But, being my neurotic self, I am nervous too. Change is exciting, but scary.

I mean, I've been in the same very comfortable place for the past two years -- carless, in the same tiny and haunted apartment, in the same relationship -- and all that's changed, or soon will. New opportunities. New friends. New car. New home. Inevitably I'll start dating new people. I didn't think I'd be here a month ago -- figuring out my life goals, taking on new loan payments, and moving without my boyfriend -- but I am kind of glad to be here. It's terrifying sometimes, and sad others -- but overall, it's an adventure I'm ready to embark on. I'm looking forward to learning more about my new Volvo, and myself, in the coming months.

On my drive back home with my new car yesterday, in the rain, I popped in the copy of Radiohead's OK Computer borrowed from my increasingly music-savvy fourteen-year-old brother. Inevitably, the trippy computer-voiced track "Fitter Happier" came on. I was instantly tempted to skip ahead, but for some reason I stuck with it. I just leaned back in my comfy leather seat and took in the jittery robot lyrics.

Fitter, happier, more productive
Comfortable
Not drinking too much
Regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week)
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
At ease
Eating well
(No more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
A patient better driver
A safer car
(Baby smiling in back seat)
Sleeping well
(No bad dreams)
No paranoia
Careful to all animals
(Never washing spiders down the plughole)
Keep in contact with old friends
(Enjoy a drink now and then)
Will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall)
Favours for favours
Fond but not in love
Charity standing orders
On Sundays ring road supermarket
(No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
Car wash
(Also on Sundays)
No longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
Nothing so childish - at a better pace
Slower and more calculated
No chance of escape
Now self-employed
Concerned (but powerless)
An empowered and informed member of society
(Pragmatism not idealism)
Will not cry in public
Less chance of illness
Tires that grip in the wet
(Shot of baby strapped in back seat)
A good memory
Still cries at a good film
Still kisses with saliva
No longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick
That's driven into frozen winter shit
(The ability to laugh at weakness)
Calm
Fitter
Healthier and more productive
A pig in a cage on antibiotics