twenty-something

[Warning to readers: Another post-breakup post follows. If you are a reader who dislikes these -- saaaaay, from Philadelphia, with an IP Address of 170.115.25.13, who likes to comment -- you may not wish to read further.]

Note to self: Don't watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again for at least six months. It may have quickly become one of your favorite movies in recent months, but if you continue to watch it, you may find it so unbearable that you simply hate it.

I couldn't function at work yesterday afternoon so I took off (surprise surprise) and ended up with said DVD in my player. I thought it might help with post-breakup feelings, but instead it fed into them. In hindsight, all I can say is "DUH!"

My relationship with "Duncan" is dead. Any hope of sustaining a friendship? Looking increasingly unlikely. And increasingly undesirable. Things are messy, so very messy. And I chose to watch a movie about two fucked-up, tortured souls with a love so warped that's its perfect? A movie about two people who love each other so much but can't help but hurt each other? Sometimes, I am a mashocist.

So the question of the day -- If I lived in the world of Eternal Sunshine, would I subject myself to the procedure and erase him from my memory?

Right now, right this very instant, my answer is a very strong yes.

Ah, the process of breaking up. In case you hadn't guessed, of the Five Stages, I'm slipping out of "Denial" and right heading towards "Anger." At 95mph.

Yesterday, while I was still at work, before watching the film, Duncan revealed something so... "evil, selfish, [and] cruel" (his words - not mine) that it pushed me for the edge. I felt a rage stronger than anything I've felt in my life. Stronger than love or happiness, stronger than loneliness or sadness. Stronger than any anger or jealous I'd ever felt. For few, very long moments, it was raw, unrestrained, and utterly primal -- and I was completely overcome. Perhaps the only thing that could overshadow it is the terror that followed it -- I scared myself, bad -- and maybe the regret for making myself so vulnerable and expressing such disturbing emotion to him, Duncan, over the phone.

I'm starting to realize that it wasn't really anger. It was raw pain just manifesting itself like that. It's what I do, how I work.

I'm also realizing that this breakup is a big deal. And I'm not really allowing it to be. "I'm fine. I'm fine." I'm not. I'm functioning. I'm not a total mess. But there is pain that I have to deal with. There is shit. And it's not going to be pleasant. The most important relationship of my life is over. This isn't the I've lost my best friend. And it's been in a horrible, horrible hurtful way. Sure, I dumped him but only because he gave me no choice. I'm still the fool. I've been betrayed and, fuck, I hurt. And just when I think I can't be pushed any lower by him? You guessed it.

I didn't think I would be back here again. I just want to be at the end of this process. To be over it. Him. But it doesn't work that way.

Today, without hestitation, I would erase him.

I hate this.