twenty-something

Another weekend's come and gone here in Vermont. I didn't do much of anything exciting, but I stayed up past 6AM on both nights (er, days?). Sadly, I wasn't doing anything besides lying awake in bed alone, sometimes writing, sometimes playing computer blackjack. I hate when insomnia sets it like this because it tends to be hard to shake. I'm hoping that since I only got 3 hours last night I'll crash soon.

During one of these wee small hours this weekend, I found myself sucked into Manhunt, browsing through the profiles of men in New York. (Yes, it's official -- I'll be venturing to the Big Apple this Friday for a long weekend.) It's always sort of a rush to browse through the profiles of so many men. On any given night in Vermont, there are maybe 40 guys online total, statewide, and most of them are people I know or aren't really worth clicking on. By contrast, there are currently 1049 men online from New York City -- at midnight on a Sunday. This country mouse is always as excited by the volume of gay guys in the city as he is by all the skyscrapers and Broadway shows -- though neither of those things usually do anything for my libido.

Now, hooking up isn't officially on agenda for the weekend, but since I am in a semi-open relationship (another post for another time), it's not necessarily out of the question. But as I browsed, I found myself increasingly intimidated by all the guys. I'm used to Vermont and all the trapping that come along with it. Looking at NYC online, through the Manhunt lens, and remembering my past experiences with the city's gay scene... this is a whole new ball game. There are just so many! And beyond that -- this is just a different caliber of gay guy.  In my Vermont P.O.V., they are perfect. Many of them have amazing pictures and hot profiles -- most are beautiful, muscular, and hung. And I just lay there, thinking... "Who the hell am I? And why do I think I am worthy of looking at these men without paying a monthly fee?"

I was just a wondering how I compare to all that. Should I get a haircut? Is it possible to drop twenty pounds before Friday? I'm just a tall, bearded guy from Vermont who's trying hard not to fall into bear/cub land, but perhaps destined for it. It just seems that all of these porn-star-lookin' guys on Manhunt seem to be more clear about what they aren't looking for than what they are -- and in my insecure self-view, some of those criteria stick out as things I might qualify for. Not only is it a blow to my fragile ego -- it's also a major turn off. 

I say all this because it's how I was feeling. I am so not trying to play the pity-party card. I'm not writing this fishing for compliments, sex offers, or supportive comments. (Although, sex offers = fun!) I know I'm no porn star, but I'm not chopped liver either. I've met cool guys on previous trips to the city, and I have no doubt I can again if so inclined. But I am intimidated by the prospect of sex and the city, perhaps more so than ever -- and I just wanted to say that for the record.

Can't you tell I'm exhausted?

This trip, I'm probably most excited at the prospect of meeting some of the guys I've gotten to "know" through my blog or theirs (especially after the recent, good experience of getting to know the guys of stereojoe offline). I am still open to meeting up with other readers or fellow bloggers, so drop a line if you're around. Not sure what time will permit, but as you can tell from my adventures in the 90s, I'm certainly not shy about meeting men off the Internet.

I'm also looking for suggestions of places to go out. Gay places. In New York, I've been to XL, Pieces, and something called Pop Rocks -- I think. I liked XL good enough (hey, it was on Sex & The City!), but wasn't impressed by the others. My best friend Greg, who I'm staying with, doesn't go out much, and when he goes, it's to really twinky places. So what's a boy from the country supposed to do? I really want to be Vadge of the Week -- so tell me where to go!

One last thing for this sleep-deprived Sunday night: I am currently obsessed with Ben Lee's new album, particularly this song. It's getting me worked up for my visit to the city -- and for the prospect of seeing him and Aimee Mann live in Burlington.

I'm walking down broadway
Each foot step is a new love letter
I'm trying to make eye contact
With each and every stranger that I pass
Thinking about the city
It's living proof people need to be together
I'm thinking about how I just want to open up
And give and give and give
And it's ok for you to care
Cause I can feel you in the air
And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?"
I only want it to begin

Ben Lee, "Begin"