twenty-something

But it's not about that. It's about meeting with the faculty, stopping homophobic comments, getting recognized by the faculty and staff, starting a Gay-Straight Alliance, and making our school safe.

In the spotlight, my mother gets off my case about being gay. (For the record, I don't think she really ever had a problem with it -- but it took some getting used to, and when I come out as a gay activist, she decides she wants to be a PFLAG mom.) I suppose my father and the rest of my family knows, figuring it out from the front page of the paper, but I don't really tell any of them.

RHS Acts to Support Gay Students
by Kevin O'Connor
Rutland Herald (Rutland, Vt.)

Rutland High School will work to support gay and lesbian teenagers as the result of a petition signed by 200 students.

"We are tired of watching our friends get harassed," read the petition sent to staff. "We are tired of seeing people depressed because they have no one to turn to. We are tired of students going to Rutland High School in fear and we want an end to it."

Administrators responded by allowing petition organizers to speak with the school's 70 faculty members at an afternoon meeting last week.

"Step on was to raise the level of consciousness," Principal Bruce Gee said Monday. "The next steps include some type of education for the rest of the student body and, beyond that, perhaps the community at large."

The petition said although the school wouldn't tolerate racial or ethnic slurs, the staff wasn't addressing attacks against sexual orientation.

"Homophobia runs rampant at Rutland High School," the petition said. "The word 'faggot' is shouted through the halls everyday and yet there are no repercussions. 'Dyke.' 'queer,' and other such words and remarks, said in a derogatory manner, are used on a regular basis by students, all too often in the presence of faculty members who do nothing to stop it."

The petition said that gay and lesbian students were afraid to protest because of fear of harassment.

"Gay supporters are also afraid to say anything because of an unwritten law which says that if you are pro-gay then you are gay yourself," the petition said. "Those who have been brave enough to seek help have not found it. The few of those who have turned to faculty members have been ignored."

"We are entering this complaint to break the silence," the petition said.

The petition is based on one circulated last spring at Cabot High School by Palmer Legare. Rutland petition organizers Patrick Raymond and Kristen Nugent, both seniors, said they were pleasantly surprised by the reaction of their 950-student school.

Said Nugent: "A lot of people came up to us and asked to sign it."

And Raymond: "I was wondering if we'd even fill a page and ended up filling four. Almost all my teachers have come up to congratulate me."

Raymond, editor-in-chief of The Red and White student newspaper, wrote an editorial about the petition in the current issue.

"All of us have a legal and moral obligation to make our school a healthy, non-discriminatory place for everyone, regardless of their race, religion, or sexual orientations," he wrote.

School leaders said they dealt with harassment against any student on a case-by-case basis. They said students often used slurs without really knowing what they were saying.

"It becomes a habit for kids who hear a term a lot ... they start using it and don't even know what it means," Gee said.

School leaders said gay and lesbian students who felt abandoned were more likely to turn to alcohol, drugs, or other extremes such as suicide. They will plan awareness programs and perhaps a "diversity group" with the help of student council and other teen leadership committees.

"I give the kids an awful lot of credit to take on the responsibility and initiate to bring it up," Gee said. "We talked about harassment in general and we do need to address it. I think they were very well received."

City school Superintendent David Wolk agreed.

"It was a helpful wake-up call for all of us," Wolk said. "We were the students and they were the teachers. Despite the cases of harassment that the students cite, there nevertheless is an environment at the high school where students feel adults will listen to them and address their concerns."

* * *
Let's talk about the Spice Girls, shall we? They don't make it onto my radar until that fall. I missed the boat on "Wannabe," but I am all about "Say You'll Be There" (and, let's face it, I still am). In Anthropology class, I talk with some of my cool new post-petition friends (because I am hot-shit to be friends with that that point) about dressing up as the Spices for Halloween. I am to be "All Spice," a male amalgam of the other characters, joining a group of five girls. It never happens, but it's a nice thought, eh?

And also? It wouldn't be 90s-Something without at least name-dropping Chumbawamba. Remember those anarchists? They got knocked down and they got up again. Thank heavens for that!

* * *
So up until this point, I had been asked if I played football more times then I'd heard the question, "Are you gay?"

The answer to those questions are no and yes, respectively, obviously, but the second questions sweep through the halls of Rutland High School like wildfire.

"Is he gay?"

A seventeen year old boy who was a nobody just two weeks ago is suddenly noticed by all. My gay rights work with Kristen is well received by our classmate and, really, it is seen as cool to support the cause, to be our friends. And, really, many people want to know what my deal is.

I figured people would just assume I was gay and it would be done with. But no. They had to ask. Some assume I am gay, but still more assume I'm straight, just helping out my bi friend. And, through out everything, I remain deliberately cagey about my sexuality.

Kristen and I had made the decision early on that we had to "look and act like Young Republicans" to get taken seriously in our gay rights work. Freaky, punky gay kids -- cool as they are -- would make the school uncomfortable, and so we will be normal, boring students -- not a big stretch for either of us, really -- and knock them on their asses. So that meant my usual outfit of khakis-and-a-polo-shirt gets me far.

So when they ask, "Are you gay?"

I say, "Does it matter?"

And they look at me. Blankly. And then they think. Perhaps they think, If he is gay, he's a pretty "normal" for a gay dude. And if he's straight, well, gay rights is the cool thing for hets to do! Or perhaps they just think, I guess I won't punch him. Who knows?

But I just say, "Does it matter?" Unless, of course, they are cute and look curious...

* * *
Things are happening. And I don't think I've ever been happier.

We form the Gay-Straight Alliance at RHS. It's the second or third in the state, and turnout is huge for the first meeting. After that, a strong core of students gather with us weekly.

Additionally, the Governor, the honorable Howard Dean, wants to meet us. And the Vermont Coalition for Lesbian & Gay Rights (VCLGR) will be holding its annual conference at Rutland High School, and Kristen and I are helping to make it happen.

The tide is turning. I haven't heard "fag" in weeks...

* * *
Parker and I have been dating since September. Things are going fairly well, and we get to see each other on weekends. I even sleep over at his house a couple times -- in the guest room, of course -- meeting his mom, watching him play soccer, getting to know him better. We take things slow, but, still, I can't help but feel an awful lot for him awful fast. Parker truly is a brilliant, beautiful young man and I felt like the luckiest guy in Vermont to have him as my boyfriend. At that point, it is the only real relationship I've had, the one I most want to work... but there's trouble in gay teen paradise.

I decide that I am cursed. Somehow, somewhere, I committed some unspeakable crime that I am being punished for. What crime that is, I have no idea. Karma keeps showing up and kicking me in the stomach. Everything can be going fine, and then something goes awry.

Late one October night, my greatest romantic dream becomes a reality. Something that I have hoped and dreamed and wished for, for years, finally becomes true. Of course, it comes at the worst possible time. Instead of a dream come true, its a nightmare.

Flashback three years. October 1994. I was a freshman, he was a sophomore new kid. It was just a glimpse at first, in gym class, during the basketball game. That turned into another and another, and soon I couldn't keep my eyes off him.

His name turned out to be Adam and he became my best friend. He was the first, and only, person I have ever truly loved. This was before I admitted my feelings to myself, so I never knew what the hell was going on. But hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I loved him well and truly.

One year later. October 1995. Adam discovered my secret and we shared a kiss. Frightened, I pushed him away. A brief and tender encounter in the school's locker room became a source of constant regret for me.

Flash forward. September 1997. I'm a senior in high school. Adam's a freshman in college in Boston. After loosing touch for about a year, we reconnect via emails for a month or so. Emails turn into phone calls. And before I know it, Adam is back in my life, albeit a little farther away.

We don't talk about our past, of course, at least not the things we need to talk about. But things are good.

I am dying to tell him about the petition, to come out to him. But I'm afraid. But then -- a little birdy from my last school comes into my Inbox and tells me a little story: at a summer party before leaving for college, Adam was caught kissing another guy. They both said they were drunk and claimed it never happened. I didn't know how to take the gossip, but it gave me the courage I needed. I write a long email to Adam revealing every last bit of detail about my gay rights work -- without mentioning my own sexuality.

I don't hear back for a couple days.

Finally, a few nights later, I can't sleep. In the middle of the night, I slink downstairs to the computer and check my email. There is something from Adam. I am sort of trembling as I click on it.

Pat, what you are doing is so great. I had already heard about it through the graprevine from Claremont. It is really awesome, I am proud to know you.

But I am tired of beating around the bush. I am gay, I have always wanted to tell you that but I was afraid. I no you will be okay with it now. And I know that you are gay too. No body else knows about me, so please... I know you would never, but please keep it a secret. Things are so messed up between us and I hate that they are like that. we should have talked about this all along time ago.

Im juyst going to say thing because its late and im tired and I have kept this inside me for a long long time. I had a crush on you when you lived in claremont. It was hard when everything happened they way it did but I still think about you. YOU are the only person I have ever felt like this about ever. It is awesome we are talking again, I love getting your emails, and I am glad you are so happy in your life in Vermont. I miss you, though, and I think about you alot.

Do you still think about me?

- A

How do you tell your true love that you still think about them every day? Can you put aside all the baggage that you've assigned to one person, perhaps the most important one of your young life? And how do you choose between an old crush and a current boyfriend? Is there really a choice?

What am I going to do...?

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