twenty-something

Yesterday, my mother and I went for a trip to the store to buy wine for Easter dinner. A quarter mile from our driveway, she turned and said, "Your father is leaving me."

A few weeks ago, the day my mother had a biopsy to learn she has melanoma, he told her that he didn't love her anymore.

The day after their 15th wedding anniversary this March, he told her that he was moving out. This came after weeks of him pulling my mother back and forth, saying he was leaving, saying he was staying, saying he wasn't sure. But now he's made up his mind.

And he needs to get the fuck out. Now.

Seeing him at dinner and not being allowed to say or do anything per my mom's wishes was tough, considering all I wanted to do was punch him or throw him out or destroy his belongings. And considering I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve, I figure he could see right through the act. He knew I knew. And he didn't try to say a word.

I gave him an awkward and stiff hug good-bye when I left. I figure it's the last time I'll touch him. That's it for me. He doesn't get to walk out on her without walking out on me. Last night, as I cried on Duncan's shoulder, I realized I couldn't remember a single time when that man had told me he loved me.

That fucking sucks. Makes me realize -- as much as we "interact" and "get along," as much as this thing hurts me, as much as I am conflicted with the idea of father -- it makes me realize that I don't have a relationship with this man that's worth anything. I spent my first ten years without a father. I spent the next ten not believing that this guy was mine, wishing he wasn't, pretending he wasn't. And finally, five years ago, I started to realize that he was all I was going to get. And now I don't think I want any of this. I just want him gone and I want this over with. I don't want to have a dad, not if this is what it means.

It just taps into something so deep inside of me. The father abandoning, the mother sick... and it's something so childish and primal, something so hurt that it makes me want to shut down.

But who cares about me? I'm really, tremendously sad for my mom, who had surgery today to hopefully remove the last of the cancer -- this while she's dealing with a husband who is abandoning her with a cruelty I can't fathom. It breaks my heart.

But she will survive both. She has to.