twenty-something

[Happy Easter. I'm uninspired to come up with something original, and I'm headed to my parents' house very shortly, so here's my cop-out: from the archives, a post from Easter Eve last April.]

'Twas the night before Easter and all though the house... Uh, yeah. I got nothing. Maybe Jesus is running around somewhere, but not here.

I'm at my parents' tonight, for the first time since Christmas. It's weird how a place can be home in some moments and completely alien in others. Guess that's what happens when you're mid-twenties. I'm, like, almost an adult.

So, yeah, weird to be here. Easter tomorrow - which means some sort of Godless specticle of a meat-feast, which somewhere along the line became the holiest of holy meals that my little I-talian non-practicing/slash/ex-communicated Catholic family celebrates. I like the ham; I could go for less noise. Ask anybody who's met them - I come from the loud family. And tomorrow will be a twisted-mirror of that Fat Greek thing, if you've seen it. Except nobody's getting married, Jesus is dead, and I'm gay.

Merry Christmas.

Also - my house is full of allergens. My mom smokes, which is my poison, as well as my aunt, who's also here for the weekend. The dark clouds loom in almost every room, which equals, for me, itchy eyes, sneezing, scratchy throat, and headaches. Ahh, home sweet home. Can't forget the pets, either - there's Ben, the dumb golden retriver who I once hated by now adore, and the THREE cats -- Annie, the eldest, and the two new kittens, Orange and Black (I don't really know there names, as i think every member of my family calls them each something different, but I like Orange best). They're all so adorable that I can't not pet them and love them. But, sadly, I've been coughing -- "Gollum, Gollum" -- since around minute ten of this visit.

In addition to the allergy attacks, there's also lots of food - I mean, LOTS OF FOOD. And I swear, I'm gaining five pounds just sitting here. But when I look at my steadily growing mother and grandmother, I guess it doesn't look so bad.

Ah. Family.

Even now, as I sit here in my quiet (for once), sleeping home, Duncan is somewhere out there, with his family, celebrating Passover and mourning the passing of his grandfather. We are in such different places right now, and I really can't imagine what he's experiencing right now. He found out about his grandfather on Thursday and headed right to me within 10 mintues. It was hard to see him deal with the loss -- or not deal with it, as the case may be. We've been having our issues as of late, but it seemed the tragedy reconnected us.

Wherever he is, whatever he's experiencing, I just hope he's OK.

Last time I was here, that very long week around the holidays, I thought a lot about faith, belief, and all that hooey I've been spouting off as of late. This place, especially around Catholic holidays, makes me think a lot about that kind of crap.

It's odd that I don't really know what I believe half the time. Do I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior? Do I believe in God? Do I believe in destiny? Do I believe in love? Ah... crap crap crap. I honestly don't ask myself these questions often. I used to, in high school, when I was so desperately trying to find myself. But I've sort of sunk into this status quo, of pseudo-spirituality, of love, of homosexualiy, of all that. Somewhere along the line, it all became me, but I don't know - is it really? Family tends to bring all this out in me.

I have to have faith that this isn't me. The destiny in which my family seems to all be fullfilling. In June, the fourth and fifth of my generation of cousins (including me) graduates from high school, and it looks like neither of these two are headed to college. Which makes me not only the only one in my generation to graduate from college, but the only one to persue it -- and only the second in my family to achieve a Bachelor's Degree. They get married, have kids, fight, eat -- live their lives, their status quo -- and it's just OK. There's little change. There's little striving towards something better. It all just is.

I don't know what any of this means. Except I'm tired.

But I will close with this...

Belief. It's a good thing. But lately, maybe I've been putting my faith into the wrong places. Maybe, just maybe, I need to stop looking at other people - and believe in myself.

Happy Easter.